Out Of My League

Revisiting my past, replaying the days that have gone by, I have come to some sort of revelation to myself: I almost always go for something out of reach, out of my league.



Now, I've never thought of myself of such a person; logically, I always think that the best solution for anything is one with a feasible execution, something that can benefit the most people (including myself). Now, what happens when the problem or the goal potentially benefits (or causes loss) only to myself? Usually confusion ensues.



You know what I usually do, in hindsight? Do the thing that nobody expects me to do.



In high school, I played in a band, and was outwardly known to be one of the guys who stay at school after hours to play basketball or cards in some remote corner. Then I'd get my top marks in class. Or maybe the other way around, so to keep everybody guessing. I don't know why I do it.



Graduating high school, some people expected me to continue to a more science or technical course in college.... and I entered ITB's Design Department. Now that, my friend, was more to the fact that I had had enough with either the number crunching or social studies, and wanted to learn something that I wasn't really good at yet, that is drawing (I never was as good as my brother, who majored in architecture in university). Of course, also to learn something new. That itself is something out of my league, because I still can't draw properly by hand, although the good technology of the later 20th century provided me with tools to overcome it (if you don't know what it is, you're using one, right now). The good thing is Design is supposed to be about being a good planner, a good manager, rather than be a good artist. Even, a good marketer. Anyway...



Graduating from university with, I most humbly say, high marks and with a deep understanding of the concepts and theories around product design, and after at least 2 semesters serving as an assistant lecturer, everybody expected me to continue as a full-time lecturer there. I said to myself, I don't know why, "that's too easy". Easy, as in, so simple that the puzzle falls into place for me, and suddenly I could see far into my future. It's like the scene in The Matrix, before Neo is brought to meet Morpheus, he wants to get off the car. Trinity stops the car, opens the door, and shows him a vague street fading into the night. She says, "Do you really want to get off? You know where that road ends." Neo closes the door and goes on to meet Morpheus.

Now... I have the utmost respect for the profession of lecturer, but I couldn't see myself anytime soon in that position, with so much in the world I have to see first. So I declined the offer, and looked for an obscure job elsewhere, and finally landing in Jakarta in a job that even more people wouldn't of guessed I'd be in.

So again, I went against everybody's expectations, and decided for the bigger challenge of trying to find a job in the private sector.



During my 6 months employment in Bandung, mid 2002, a close friend once told me, she didn't think I'd be suited for Jakarta life, and at that point I tended to agree. I was very much in love with Bandung, and I could be set for life there, with all the friends, the connections, a house (my family's house is in Bandung, while my Dad's job was in Serpong, so I lived in Bandung by myself), a car, and basically a pretty good job. The problem was, the pay was not much, the job was pratically dead-end in my view, and, I got restless again, and the only place left to aim for was Jakarta. So after going through a couple of job applications, interviews, salary negotiations etc, I started my new job in Jakarta in January 2003. Nobody saw that coming, either...



Now I'm with the second company I've been with since coming to Jakarta, accepting an offer from my former boss at the old office. I'm not going to elaborate any details there, but that action itself, was somehting that nobody expected me to do. Something that at points I myself, thought I could not do for various reasons.



Now, it's not that I always intentionally go for the bigger challenges. I mean, if I'm playing any sort of computer game, I always pick the 'easy' level. Other than the fact that I suck big time with any sort of computer game, I never felt the need to try the 'bigger' challenge of going straight to 'expert' mode or something, which would sometimes reflect most of my decisions in real life. But then again, games for me are for entertainment, not challenging myself, so if I'm not entertained, I forget about it. Thus, I suck big time in playing games.



I always thought of it that I should stick to something that would be more beneficial in the long haul, rather than get a quick fix (thus I have never averted to drugs and such, as they never help out solving anything, but would just create more problems). I don't like problems, I don't like puzzles, I like everything just going smoothly. But if problems do arise, it's always better to look for a solution that would be beneficial in the long run as well.



So generally it's always been about making the harder decisions that would only be fruitful in the long run, rather than something that could be evident right now. Thus, the bigger challenge.



Now that I realize that I have always gone for the bigger challenge unbeknowingly... I'm like, "So THAT'S why I've been in so much pain! This is only beginning!"

Like I mentioned to someone yesterday, growing a wisdom tooth is painful enough, not to mention growing pains...



Here's the clinch: sometimes, even though I know without a doubt the outcome of something I pursue would end in utter pain, I still go through with it if deep inside I know it's the best thing to do for me, or it's the thing I really want to do.



So, I guess I better stop complaining about everything and start blaming myself for everything.

Hmm, no, that didn't sound right, did it? Better if I just slap myself in the face and say "SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT ANYWAY!"



The conclusion: I am stubborn as such that I really need to learn everything the hard way. Better that than not learn at all, I guess...