Wednesday, December 29, 2004

A Fool Of A Man, Or A Man Of A Fool?

Would you forgive a fool for being a fool?

Would you forgive a man oblivious to anything else other than what he sees, because he was caught in blinding light?

Would you forgive a man immeresed in fragrant water, for liking the smell of the fragrant water?

Would you, forgive, a man perceiving something as the truth, when all he ever gets from his perceptions is just that?

In other words, would you forgive a man with a handicap for walking limply?

I am so small in the world, humbled by its size, its greatness, and more by its complexity. What can seem so true in my eyes can be a lie in others. What can be false in my eyes, could be true to others. So back to the frequently visited question, what is this all?

It is not a question of how, what, why... but more of a question of what to learn from it. The universe yields so many mysteries, and perhaps also the answers, so the absolute truth can even be interpreted differently by different people.

It's like... I know where I'm going, but.. I don't know how to get there yet. I can see the lighthouse, but I don't know what route to take yet. Time will tell, as it always does, and also as always, I jump in anyway.

Let's get it on, and get it over with.

Final word, quoted from a friend: Looks can be deceiving.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Massive Disaster

Ok, I just have to day something about the earthquake and tsunamis that wreaked havok in many countries around the Indian Ocean.

My heartfelt prayers go out to all those affected, directly or indirectly.

I did not want to talk about it, I don't even read any news about it, avoid the TV newscasts, and avoid the subject when talking with friends... because I could break down and go into one of my sad states for days on end.

But, keeping it tough doesn't mean being ignorant (although most people do it that way)... so... let's all raise our hands in prayer for them. It's the least we could do. I think I'm going to head to the ATM later to donate some money. Money better spent there, rather than a book that I'd finish in two days, or a CD that I don't listen to that often, or some sort of unneeded electronic device.


Every day, you learn bit by bit, all about the world, all about yourself, and all about others. Well, not exactly all, but at least, the amount of knowledge you gain is pretty significant over time.

The apparent favorite subject of my inner self, is of course, myself. But always a skeptic, it was always the study of myself through other eyes, hardly ever my own.

So, the more people I know, the more I find out about myself also.

Today, I think I learned a lesson of the human shell.

Sunday, December 26, 2004


Saturday night, was the night of the song.

After spending 3 hours doing mundane work at Lokananta, and a nap because I felt so tired, the standing plan for about a week or so was that I and a couple of friends were going out to karaoke; singing capabilities present or not, we were looking forward to it.

So I booked a room enough for 8 people at Nav Fatmawati, and came early (as usual) as the booking of rooms there is pretty strict. Alfa came early, too, so we had the mikes to ourselves for about an hour, before everybody else came piling in: Asri with her boyfriend and little sister, Rama and Ines, and Vira.

Even though I can't sing very well, screaming, yodeling, yammering and strangling songs is often a good way to get stress out of the system, escpecially if there's a thing that reminds you of the lyrics (I never had a good memory for lyrics). Money, and time, well spent.

Later that night, not feeling it was time to go home yet, me, Alfa and Vira headed to Citos to hang out and talk, and we settled at a nice place called Dixie (Dixie is actually one of my favorite watering holes, with branches at KTS, Aston Hotel and Kemang). And suddenly it was 2 am already, so we went home...

Thanks for the great night, guys.


After spending 3 days in a row, that's Friday 1 hour, Saturday 3 hours, and Sunday a whopping 7 hours, at Lokananta, I finally wrapped up the bulk and the most important part of the activity reports.

Lokananta is a nice medium-size cafe near my house, with moderately-priced drinks and food (but worth every penny), and an all-you-can-use internet connection (they provide the LAN cables to go to your laptop, but no workstations provided, so you have to have a laptop) for Rp 10.000. Yeah, that's right. I used the internet yesterday there for 7 hours and only had to pay Rp. 10.000. But of course, I ordered drinks and food to go with it, which added to the total cost, but the place was cosy, the food was great, and the internet was refreshingly fast, so it was a better alternative than your usual cyber cafe.

When on Saturday I went there by myself, yesterday Alfa finally joined me to do a little browsing of her own... and I must say, we should of looked pretty cool (or geeky) with the small table we had already filled with our laptops and other geeky accessories (and of course, the pile of work I had to go through).

Now, all that remains is uploading the photos that go with the survey reports, but at least the core data is up, and I have couriered the hard copies of the reports to head office. You should see the stack, cost me a pretty penny to send it overseas, but hopefully, the payment will come through soon. Thank God that this kind of work only happens about every 3 months, for 2 weeks to a month. I'm not really looking forward to the next project, but will accept with open arms anyway. It's a good way to spread the cheer, so to speak.

Anyway, although some in my faith say doing this is a sin, I'm doing it anyway; to those of you who celebrate, Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Something's Gotta Give

I finally finished watching Something's Gotta Give starring Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. Nice story, unique perspectives and twists, and veeeerrryyy pretty Amanda Peet.

Basically makes you think that love is a journey, not a destination... and in fact, that's why love is so compelling, so important to human sanity, to human life.

[Yes, I'm finally bringing up a topic about love.]

Somehow, I keep writing stuff down, from the completely frank to the standard dubiousness... but I keep going back and erasing it. I'm not sure what I want to say, and what I do think I want to say, I'm not sure the good readers of this blog would understand it.

Love, in its most general meaning, which is between a man and a woman, has always been the more, um, interesting part of my life. Lots of stories here and there, although when compared to other people's stories it could me pretty mundane, but the stories are there just the same. Short stories, even paragraphs or sentences, which sometimes never need telling, and nobody knows about anyway (and no, I'm not about to change that now).

And.. let's just say, the journey has more often brought 'disappointment' rather than 'success'. I was never sure why, and I'm still not sure. Hence constant contemplation and thought on my side.... (aaah... now you get it).

And now... sometimes it feels like I always get myself in the same problem, the same mousetrap, all over again. I guess, I never learn from that mistake... all I do is just learn on how to handle it better.

That sounds pathetic, doesn't it? Sometimes I wish things could fit in simpler... although, I must say, my life is a waaay lot simpler than a couple of people i know.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Growing Pains

You know what, I came to a sort of revelation yesterday, that maybe a lot of people have come to realize anyway.

You never really grow up.

What happens is, you learn more, you adapt more, maybe you change, but in fact, you never really do change. At a certain point in life, you just stop growing, and start living. If at that point you have not reached a certain stage where the general convention in society defines as "mature", then, well... you will never reach it.

I don't think that many of us even reach what was intended by our predecessors as "mature". Maybe close, but never quite close.

Yes, with the years, you obtain more knowledge, gain more responsibility, grow more independent; but do you, really? Is that what defines a "grown-up"? Is that what defines "mature"? Well, let me put an open question to whoever may be reading this: do you feel mature? Well, do you, punk?

I guess we really do just gain wisdom over the years, ever more so if you learn everything the hard way (my preferred course of action, or else nothing would get into my thick head). But having volumes of wisdom and knowledge does not necessarily mean mature, right?

Try it out for yourself: using Google's Image Search, using the keyword "mature" brings a lot of porn to your screen. Now is that what the 21st century society defines as mature?

So, essentially, only a part of everybody grows up, and the rest remains intact, whether it be the little kid in kindergarten, the punk from high school, or the deprived college student. And both parts define who we are, how we think and take action, and what we aspire to be. And what we aspire to be has more to do with what our little selves inside want.

So keep the little kid in you happy, he or she will save your life someway, someday.

Short Visit

One of our partners invited my company to Bandung to attend a launch of their services there, and I was sent to represent the company. So very early in the morning, I prepped my stuff and went to the train station early, just in case the train was packed; I wanted to at least get a seat, not a standing ticket. The night before had ben very tiring, because I had all this stuff to carry around from the office, and arrangements to go to Bandung were only done at the last minute.

So off I went to Bandung with friends from another company, and arrived there at about 9 am. The event we were about to attend wasn't going to run until about 12 pm, so we just went to the location and hung out at one of the restaurants near the designated area.

The place was called Cihampelas Walk, or more popularly Ciwalk, a relatively new commercial area with a mall, dozens of eateries and cafes, and places you can walk around, or sit and chat. Pretty nice place, and it's open much later into the night than most places in Bandung, much to the pleasure of young couples in love or kids having the night out.

The event itself only started at about 3 pm, because of the rain, but it was pretty good. A few local artists sang their popular songs to the delight of fans and audience, and there was the share of games, door prizes and such.

After the show, I went over to Tanti's house, who had been sick in Bandung for about 2 weeks, to pick up something, and also lend her a book to wind away her recovery days. Later I met up with Pandji and Gamila for dinner... and apparently, I got carried away discussing anti-monopolism :P.

I crashed at Pandji's place, and took the 6 am train back to Jakarta this morning. So I have not reached home yet... when there is a lot of stuff I need to settle.... the project I'm doing has not finished the reporting stage...

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Random Thoughts (Reprise)

During the rather mundane routine of work today, I have had this urge to write something here other than my post below. Something more... of the mind, more transcendental... something more reflective. I'm still not sure of what, but I'll put it down anyway.... here goes...


Why does the word 'beauty' keep repeating itself in my head? But I can't make anything of it 'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I'm second-guessing myself on the subconcious level, so nothing really comes out.

Well, anyway. After the first round of uploads yesterday, I met up with an old friend, and we chatted over ice cream (ice cream that God must of created Himself, because it tasted like heaven!) about work, and the obligatory nostalgia. It's always good to reflect, not just the fun parts of nostalgia, but the more introspective part. I must say, the conversation was wholy entertaining, informative and at once good for the heart and mind. And the chocolate ice cream made it even better.

One of the points of the conversation was, you never really know how friends appreciate you, but you ultimately always know when friends are dissatisfied with you, even if they are talking about you behind your back. So, I'm trying to make it a point to show more appreciation to others, more than before, at least. It always feels good when you've made someone's day.

A few days before, a friend told me to smile more. At the moment, I was in a very bad mood, and if somebody comes along and tells you to smile, you just get more pissed off, right? Well, maybe it's right. More to smiling inside, rather than your average garden-variety plastic smile. Be more optimistic. Well... I'll try.

Ah.. here's the sentence that wanted to come out, finally...

Beauty emenates from the heart and the mind.

Okay, now what the hell is that supposed to mean? Isn't that something that ugly people say?

Hahahahah. Forgive my crudeness, because as usual, I'm writing everything that comes off the top of my head.

Now what?

Saturday, December 18, 2004


Today is supposed to be the deadline of my activity report submission. The problem is, the report from Bandung got strangely delayed in the mail, although my counterpart there already sent it Thursday; and the partner in Surabaya came dow with typhod fever to the point he had to be hospitalized, so the activities in Surabaya are delayed. Yogyakarta just wrapped up yesterday, and I don't know when she will send the papers to me. And here I am, in a freakin' cyber cafe, uploading all the data that I have before tomorrow.

The connection is damn slow as well. Takes a damn long time just to upload a freakin' photo.

The keyboard is shit, you have to press every key with extra power, or else the letters wont show up.

Friday, December 17, 2004


It has got to such a point that I have to squeeze in any moment I have to finish up the activity report due Sunday. I stole a couple of office hours (with the irritatingly slow computer and connection) to upload the reports, now I'm uploading while waiting for Sacha at her office.

Um... so, I better get back to work.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Rollin' With The Times

Aw, gawsh!

I just realized that my last post was this Monday!

There has been either so much to do or nothing significant to say the past few days, although I did keep track of my blog and others. There has been a ton of work at the office, and the project that I'm running on the side is nearing critical moments as well, because the deadline is this Sunday.

Monday evening, after work, I went to Sacha's office again, because she had some sort of problem with her PDA she described over the phone, and I had no idea on how to fix it by talking her through the phone... so I just went there. Maybe I should start charging by the hour for these things. Anyway, afterwards I chilled with Sacha and her office friends until about 1 am, since it was somebody's birthday.

Tuesday, was proposal-making day. Sent out a couple emails and proposals to prospective clients, and trying to pin down the technical side so that the user scenario would be feasible. Hopefully, some of the proposals would stick. After work, a friend asked to meet, needing to talk about break up, but didn't say much about it... so we just sat there eating pizza and talk about other stuff... and still, later in the night, had to meet up with some people regarding the project.

Wednesday, still project proposal day. Pinned down final specifics for a certain proposal, and distributed it internally for approval, so hopefully I can send it to the client today. Afterwards I went to Plaza Senayan with an office friend; she wanted to get a Christmas present, a doll, for her niece. And I was going hey, you don't have to lie, it's okay if the doll is actually for you, haha...

Somehow... I think I'm trading very carefully forward, because,... this is somehow new territory.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Dead In The Water

Since I came in this morning until very recently, the computer network at the office was down, specifically the uniquely elaborate internet connection. So all I could do was access my files on the local server and not much else. The thing is, most of my work depends heavily on communication via the Internet, so when that doesn't work, I can't do anything.

Good thing the files I needed for a morning meeting were on the local server, so I printed that up and went to the meeting with my boss, for a relatively very fruitful meeting. Back to the office after the meeting, nothing still could be done, so I went to lunch. After dawdling for at least half an hour, finally the computer network went back on-line, much to the relief of many (especially the IT manager, boy, did he have a bad day). The funny thing is, I was already planning to cut the day short when the network just popped back online... hahaha. I guess I really have to do some work today, as I was sort of feeling like lazing around instead. Oh well.

Back to work then...

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Out Of My League

Revisiting my past, replaying the days that have gone by, I have come to some sort of revelation to myself: I almost always go for something out of reach, out of my league.

Now, I've never thought of myself of such a person; logically, I always think that the best solution for anything is one with a feasible execution, something that can benefit the most people (including myself). Now, what happens when the problem or the goal potentially benefits (or causes loss) only to myself? Usually confusion ensues.

You know what I usually do, in hindsight? Do the thing that nobody expects me to do.

In high school, I played in a band, and was outwardly known to be one of the guys who stay at school after hours to play basketball or cards in some remote corner. Then I'd get my top marks in class. Or maybe the other way around, so to keep everybody guessing. I don't know why I do it.

Graduating high school, some people expected me to continue to a more science or technical course in college.... and I entered ITB's Design Department. Now that, my friend, was more to the fact that I had had enough with either the number crunching or social studies, and wanted to learn something that I wasn't really good at yet, that is drawing (I never was as good as my brother, who majored in architecture in university). Of course, also to learn something new. That itself is something out of my league, because I still can't draw properly by hand, although the good technology of the later 20th century provided me with tools to overcome it (if you don't know what it is, you're using one, right now). The good thing is Design is supposed to be about being a good planner, a good manager, rather than be a good artist. Even, a good marketer. Anyway...

Graduating from university with, I most humbly say, high marks and with a deep understanding of the concepts and theories around product design, and after at least 2 semesters serving as an assistant lecturer, everybody expected me to continue as a full-time lecturer there. I said to myself, I don't know why, "that's too easy". Easy, as in, so simple that the puzzle falls into place for me, and suddenly I could see far into my future. It's like the scene in The Matrix, before Neo is brought to meet Morpheus, he wants to get off the car. Trinity stops the car, opens the door, and shows him a vague street fading into the night. She says, "Do you really want to get off? You know where that road ends." Neo closes the door and goes on to meet Morpheus.

Now... I have the utmost respect for the profession of lecturer, but I couldn't see myself anytime soon in that position, with so much in the world I have to see first. So I declined the offer, and looked for an obscure job elsewhere, and finally landing in Jakarta in a job that even more people wouldn't of guessed I'd be in.

So again, I went against everybody's expectations, and decided for the bigger challenge of trying to find a job in the private sector.

During my 6 months employment in Bandung, mid 2002, a close friend once told me, she didn't think I'd be suited for Jakarta life, and at that point I tended to agree. I was very much in love with Bandung, and I could be set for life there, with all the friends, the connections, a house (my family's house is in Bandung, while my Dad's job was in Serpong, so I lived in Bandung by myself), a car, and basically a pretty good job. The problem was, the pay was not much, the job was pratically dead-end in my view, and, I got restless again, and the only place left to aim for was Jakarta. So after going through a couple of job applications, interviews, salary negotiations etc, I started my new job in Jakarta in January 2003. Nobody saw that coming, either...

Now I'm with the second company I've been with since coming to Jakarta, accepting an offer from my former boss at the old office. I'm not going to elaborate any details there, but that action itself, was somehting that nobody expected me to do. Something that at points I myself, thought I could not do for various reasons.

Now, it's not that I always intentionally go for the bigger challenges. I mean, if I'm playing any sort of computer game, I always pick the 'easy' level. Other than the fact that I suck big time with any sort of computer game, I never felt the need to try the 'bigger' challenge of going straight to 'expert' mode or something, which would sometimes reflect most of my decisions in real life. But then again, games for me are for entertainment, not challenging myself, so if I'm not entertained, I forget about it. Thus, I suck big time in playing games.

I always thought of it that I should stick to something that would be more beneficial in the long haul, rather than get a quick fix (thus I have never averted to drugs and such, as they never help out solving anything, but would just create more problems). I don't like problems, I don't like puzzles, I like everything just going smoothly. But if problems do arise, it's always better to look for a solution that would be beneficial in the long run as well.

So generally it's always been about making the harder decisions that would only be fruitful in the long run, rather than something that could be evident right now. Thus, the bigger challenge.

Now that I realize that I have always gone for the bigger challenge unbeknowingly... I'm like, "So THAT'S why I've been in so much pain! This is only beginning!"

Like I mentioned to someone yesterday, growing a wisdom tooth is painful enough, not to mention growing pains...

Here's the clinch: sometimes, even though I know without a doubt the outcome of something I pursue would end in utter pain, I still go through with it if deep inside I know it's the best thing to do for me, or it's the thing I really want to do.

So, I guess I better stop complaining about everything and start blaming myself for everything.

Hmm, no, that didn't sound right, did it? Better if I just slap myself in the face and say "SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT ANYWAY!"

The conclusion: I am stubborn as such that I really need to learn everything the hard way. Better that than not learn at all, I guess...

Thursday, December 9, 2004


I don't know if this applies to any other city in the world, but most drivers in Jakarta, in many aspects, are mad. Mad as in mentally ill. Nutty as a fruitcake.

Before going further, let me define "driver" as "a person who controls an automobile on the public roads". So it applies to any car, motorcycle, bus, bajaj, and everything else with an engine and wheels cruising the metropolitan roads of Jakarta.

First of all, people are in such a hurry, and they really make big noises about it. This applies especially when somebody is cutting them off, or the movement of traffic stopped for a fraction of a second (even at traffic lights), and when they finally get released from traffic gridlock to more sparse roads. In the first two cases, a generous helping of honk and horn sounds fill the air, perhaps with occasional profanity here and there. The third case, it's usually the engines being revved up for maximum noise, either for high speed to get away from the gridlock... or just plain being noisy.

Another strange thing is that at a traffic light, the moment the light goes green, tens of horn sounds go off, usually behind the first few cars in the line. It's like that they think that the pure energy coming from their sounds can actually make the cars in front go faster. Same in the case of traffic jams, or momentary hold ups; people generally don't look around for what is causing it, they just honk their horn and hope the sheer power of the horn will make it go away. Press the horn longer, and get a louder horn, for better effect. All for the benefit of some unlucky pedestrian in the area, getting a free hearing test (and losing some at the same time).

In Jakarta, there are 2 monsters of the road: the public transport buses and the motorcycles. Before I go on, let me put in a disclaimer that the next sentences are not meant to offend anyone in particular, it is just a casual and general observation. But on the other hand, if you're offended, that may be because you're a culprit as well.

Man, these buses. They go about thinking they're as small as your usual sedan or minibus, and take even less caution when changing lanes. Also the case when stopping, I mean, there's only so much space on the road that a car or motorcycle can pass through, and buses usually stop a bit diagonally or even in the middle of the road to pick up passangers. The passangers are also to blame, I guess... and whenever there's an empty home stretch in front, these buses would not hesitate to speed through there, for the sake of trying to get more passangers. So there go those buses, as big as a house, down the street, at breakneck speed, and leaving souvenirs in the form of carbon monoxide in its wake.

And you'd think that buses in Jakarta have unlimited capacity, because, that's what the operators of these behemoths think. So don't be suprised, for those of you who have not been to Jakarta, to see buses packed to the brim with people of various shapes and sizes (with at least 2 pickpockets inside) and still calling people aboard, claiming that it is still 'empty'. This must be a general delusion, because it works every time.

You'd think that companies who do service for their buisness, who carry people all around everyday to get their money, would think about treating their clients better? Well, no sirreee, doesn't happen here. The buses cut their routes whenever they feel like it, transfer their passengers or simply yell at them to get off whenever they feel like it, and hardly ever respect the letter of the law (not that the law is being enforced effectively either).

Second monster, motorcycles. Motorcycles are like water, with the roads as their rivers. Any empty space on the road must be filled by a motorcylce, even overflowing to the pedestrian sidewalks, forcing those crazy people who still actually walk in this polluted metropolis (me included) having to step aside, or give up the pleasure of walking for the cursing of motorcycles. These motorcycles can't seem to see an empty space go unused, even if when the rules say it's supposed to be empty (like say, the empty space of an intersection). They just go their in droves. Sometimes it's like insect intelligence, the drivers do it without thinking, they just do it, because everybody else is doing it.

That's still the majority of motorcyles still abiding to the law, staying on the proper side of the road, wearing helmets (for everybody's sake, I must add) and just trying to survive on the road to get home soon. There's also motorcycles with no license plates, drivers with no helmets, no headlights or taillights, no muffler for maximum noise, either going down the wrong side of the road or taking up the wrong lane to get ahead of the traffic. And for what? If it's just to piss people off, it certainly worked on me.

To be fair, I have to say that sometimes life is so tough in Jakarta, that you do anything to survive. And these (mostly) men who drive these cars, tend to carry over their survival instincts, the same instincts that served our ancestors well in the wild, to their driving, in the midst of the urban jungle. All the frustrations, the pent-up anger, and the unfulfilled goals of men in life, are sort of played out on the road; somehow like "if they're gonna push me around in work, they're not going to push me around on the road. Yes, that means YOU!".

So... a lot of people are having problems, being depressed, and having a hell of a life. Well... I can respect that, but as mentioned before in this blog... all you need is a change of attitude.

[By the way, I got the image above from I think the picture is a bit old, though, at least 10 years old. That's the Bunderan HI area, if I'm not mistaken.]

[Update: since there was trouble with the former image, I changed the image to this one from That's Jalan Thamrin, in a more recent photo.]

Wednesday, December 8, 2004

Corporate Schmoozing

I spent half the day Wednesday in corporate meetings and such. At lunch time, there was a gathering of a couple of companies working together for a project, so it was lunch first, then a meeting. Of course, with all the usual corporate mingling and schmoozing involved.

Next, there was a launch of a local airline with an overseas partner, and since both me and my boss had previous ties to the company, we dropped by to say hello to everybody. Another set of schmoozing. All these bosses in suits, ties, or any other presumably neat attire. And there I was, with my denim jacket.

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Random Moments

Tuesday, was relatively a big day.

One of the projects that I'm running finally got launched, with a couple of other partners; although the work is far from finished, the final haggling of business terms and legal stuff had ended, so now we can concentrate on what's more important, the commodities themselves. There was a bash of a party yesterday morning, with a few celebrities coming, big bosses all around, and the press. And some sushi.

Now, back to the tedious job of selecting content and uploading. I should be doing that today, but there's trouble with the web interface.

Along later that day, a close friend suddenly called me to ask, out of all things, if I had a draft of a resignation letter. Her current workplace, although relatively prominent and with a good position for her, apparently was too much; sometimes the management and those under you just don't click, and sometimes work like idiots, but most often that they just don't appreciate you enough. Anyhow... she had just had it, got fed up, and wanted to move on, since the project that was her baby was basically done (insert your own frustration story here). I told her to settle down, take deep breaths, and talk to me later tonight.

Later she called that she'd rather work it out of her system by excersizing, and that she couldn't say anything yet... so, I gave her time... and I'll call her up later to see how she is.

So later that night, I met up with Meong and her boyfriend, followed by Tanti and Asri, at Plaza Semanggi, and then we ate at Frankfurter, the place with the notorious burgers and hotdogs bigger than your average mouthful (not to mention the price!).

And I had reached home by 9.30 PM... and it was a bit strange, you know? I don't know why. Couldn't go right to sleep either.

This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday

this will all make perfect sense someday

i'll be A-ok....

this will all make perfect sense someday

there’s got to be a reason for the rain

all my bills have all gotten paid

i saved the bad, i broke the bank

this could have been a slow song

a laundry list of all the wrongs

but at the end of the day

this is my beautiful disaster piece I’ve made

and it goes, and i quote, and i never would lie:

this will all make perfect sense someday

i'll be A-ok....

this will all make perfect sense someday

there’s got to be a reason for the rain

i don't understand the numbers

but my faith is in the math

and the odds are all this pain will even out in the end

and we'll look back and laugh

and to all the hearts i've broken

and the ones that once broke mine

i've got suspicions all will be forgive in time

all you gotta do is call them up and say:

this will all make perfect sense someday

i'll be A-ok....

this will all make perfect sense someday

there’s got to be a reason for the rain

and if it ever gets bad, i mean really bad

i'll move to Nova Scotia and forget the life i had

be up at nine each morning down by the shore

collecting things that fell off boats in storms

Okay, so i might never but it’s nice to know the options there

the options there...

this will all make perfect sense someday

i'll be A-ok....

this will all make perfect sense someday

there’s got to be a reason for the rain

a reason for the rain, a reason for the rain

the reason for the rain, for the rain

and it doesnt help that i keep biting my lip in the same place

[As sung by John Mayer. The song is empathic in a way.]

Monday, December 6, 2004

It Probably Was Just A Dream

Ever wake up with that strange feeling of uneasiness? That you're searching for something, that something hasn't been done?

I think a lot of people who work in fast-paced high-stress work enviroments get that feeling some time or other. There was one time, though, in my college years, there was one day that reeeallly felt that something's wrong, something's out of place, and the feeling just endured for the whole day. Somehow, this morning, there's the same feeling of uneasiness.

Must be a bad dream, because, I still remember. Before I woke up, the dream ended with me still in search of something, either digging in the ground, or looking in the skies above with my aircraft (er... don't ask. My dreams tend to get similar to reality, on the other hand, they sometimes get a bit SF. Haha.). Perhaps with that feeling of unfulfillment, even though it was just a dream, I woke up with a small frustration that the mission had not been finished.


Yesterday, everything was going n a bit of a slow but hectic pace, with things going last minute here and there, with nothing to do in the intermittent moments. Not to mention, the people who were supposed to meet me later that night at home for the project brief, didn't show up, only one did, at least, so I could settle the project with her.

I've been kind of frustrated with the way people just throw away my projects. First they say they want to do it, then they don't show up without the slightest bit of courtesy of mentioning so; it's happened to me 3 times already the past week, including yesterday. I don't want to be a nuisance and chase them around, since, in proper perspective, they have the obligation to tell me. I mean, they get the bulk of the money involved anyway. Ah, maybe I do have to call them up one by one again. Real waste of time. Personally, I don't want to give a project with money involved to those who cannot put the effort into it. At the least, to make the initial phone call to follow up after my first contact.

It's hard to find good help these days. Perhaps good help is a pipe dream as well...

Sunday, December 5, 2004

For Once In My Life

I don't know why I'm putting down these lyrics here, but the song has been playing in my head for a couple of days. If the song is supposed to refer to someone, I haven't the faintest idea who... but in general the song itself, specifically the version sung by Michael Buble, has some sort of uplifting spirit that goes right in line with my mood...

I have often been so depressed, sometimes it's hard for me to recognize a happy moment.

Well, anyway...

For Once In My Life Lyrics

For once in my life

I have someone who needs me

Someone I've needed so long

For once unafraid

I can go where life leads me

And somehow I know I'll be strong

For once I can touch

What my heart used to dream of

Long before I knew

Someone warm like you

Could make my dream come true

For once in my life

I won't let sorrow hurt me

Not like it's hurt me before

For once I've got someone

I know won't desert me

I'm not alone anymore

For once I can say

This is mine, you can't take it

As long as I've got love

I know I can make it

For once in my life

I've got someone who needs me


I think many people go through some point in life, some sort of phase in life, where everything is just flat. No happiness, no sadness, no nothing. Maybe because of the extreme highs and lows of the past days, once the sinus wave settles back to a more or less straight line, everything seems uncanilly irrelevant. Unfazed by anything that could happen, more of the fleeting moments of silence are observed by a blank state. Staring out, nothing in the head, nothing in the heart, nothing in the mind.

Somehow it's a bit of a blessing; nothing can stop me now.

Saturday, December 4, 2004

I Hate It When A Plan Doesn't Come Together

{The title is a partial quote of Hannibal Smith, the leader of The A-Team; he always says this at the end of most episodes: "I love it when a plan comes together."]

I had arranged so that today, Saturday, a day that most people use for leisure or sleeping in, for taking care of a long overdue project. So I printed the necessary documents (with my new printer, of course) and prepped the files necessary for briefing the people who were supposed to come by for the project. They should have come at about 11ish.

Only one showed up, and he only consitituted 1 project of the 2 projects I was supposed to handle. The other 2 people, who were supposed to do the bulk of the other project, didn't even bother to tell me if they were not coming. So I had to move on, since I had another errand at my old office.

Someone was supposed to pick up the photocopy machine at about 1 o'clock, so I was there by a few minutes to 1. I have to tell you, everytime I go there, to that empty, messy room with all the unused and unwanted hardware and leftover files... it just gets me depressed. Not to mention since they already shut down the electricity line, the room was as hot as hell. And there was no sign of the guy who was supposed to come by...

Chieq came over at about 2 pm, as she called earlier for lunch... so while we chatted in her thank-the-heavens air-conditioned car, the guy who was supposed to pick up the photocopy machine finally showed up at about 2.30... so I let them rock the boat themselves; I didn't want to worry about lifting the ten million ton machine from the 3rd floor down. Enough of that.

Since they only brought along 2 people, they gave up, so I left behind the key to the main door with the landlord, and went to lunch with Chieq.

Right now I am at the cybercafe at Ratu Plaza, online with my laptop, sending those stubbornly large emails... I figured, if I wanted to go here and get a comfortable spot, it would be better to go Saturday night as nobody would be there. Right now, I think that it's one part good thinking, in another part pathetic. Alone on Saturday night.

One last point: the latest album from U2, despite my disappointment with the first single, Vertigo, has promise in the song Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, at least in my view. It sounds like one of their Joshua Tree era songs, with the same touches and everything... but with sufficient attention-catching slow riffs, but of course, in the right mood.


It's been a few days since my last post. Other than having a lot on my hands at the office, and no time to go online at home, somehow... there wasn't anything significant to say.

I most often say a lot if I am complaining about something, in some state of depression, have a lot on my mind (or hands)... but somehow, the past few days didn't warrant any expression on this blog. Believe me, it's not that the past few days weren't without their share of drama and suprises, but, being the narcisst self-centered person that I am, I tend to write more about myself and what's directly relevant to me, and leave everything else for other discussions. (See?)

Let's see...

December 1st, was officially the last day of a co-worker I had only known for about 2 months, but I have come to know and love; she was a ball to hang out with, in the moments we actually did get to hang out. That's the second person to leave since I joined the company. THe strange thing is, the first person was also great to hang out with; we could talk a lot about anything, work or unrelated.. but then she moved to another company. Other than that, the day was more marked with emails and such.... but dinner at Izzi PIzza with a couple of friends afterwards that really made my day.

December 2nd, my boss was back from HK, and something very important disappeared from my desk. Expensive thing. I thought i misplaced it at home, so I decided to search at home later before sounding any alarms. The boss asked me to join him at a meeting outside the office, and that basically took a lot of my day, with the rest of the day getting him up to speed on what I've been doing.Later, dinner and meeting up with Oettie, Yudha, Sacha and Sashie at Bakmi Jogja. Sacha gave us the story of her trip to Singapore.

December 3rd, another day filled with meetings until after lunch. With all these meetings, who has time to do actual work? haha. And on that day, I found out that yet another 2 of my office friends were resigning... one was a friend from college, and I figured he'd be leaving sooner or later, but the other was a veteran of 4 years, perhaps already dispassionate of her job... I don't even know how my boss took it, I don't think he saw it coming. Oh well.Later in the day, I went to Electronic City to buy a NEW printer! I finally need one for my room/home/office... so i bought a mid-end one, and at the same time hooked up with Nelly for dinner and the usual share of gossip and other stories. I went home pretty early that day, as I was pretty tired with everything going on.

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Wednesday, December 1, 2004


Premise 1: You never get what you want.

Premise 2: You never want what you get.

Somehow, although sometimes uncannilly real, the premises above seem very depressing. Let's work on those sentences.

Juxtaposition 1: What you get is what makes you civil, and you have to be grateful for it.

Juxtaposition 2: What you want is what makes you human, and you have to aspire for it.

That sounds much better.