Monday, March 28, 2005

Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events

If nothing else does, the stunning stylistic visuals of this movie will blow you away. The story is certainly for kids, as it would seem a bit unmemorable for most adults, but the visual effects are a treat for either the parents accompaniying the kids or people like we, who were enticed by the visuals in the trailer anyway. I don't know if I should say "Bravo!" or "Booorrriiiing!" to Jim Carrey's performance as 3 characters in the movie, yet as I often do, I get myself into the mood of the movie and find his roleplay eccentricly and absurdly entertaining.
The story is about 3 kids with rich parents, who are suddenly orphaned; they are then handed over to the custody of Count Olaf (Jim Carrey) who is more interested in the inheritance and his own artistic ego rather than the children. And from there, let's just say, everything goes downhill from there.
I watched it last night, and I remember that after the movie I was still enthralled by the imagery; but now, the day later, other than the imagery, the story is vaguely remembered. The characters themselves, on the other hand, are still recorded in my head, but not because we got to know them during the movie, but it was kind of force-fed at the beginning of the movie. Let's just say, the moviemakers dreamed up so much for imagery that they didn't leave much room for imagination from the moviegoer's part.
Otherwise, the movie is a visualfest if it's nothing else, and purely enjoyable if you remember just that. In other words, it's a comic book. I'd love to read the books, although watching the movie first would of ruined the imagery that could of come forth.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

A Taste Of Things To Come?

A great, refreshing weekend to start life anew on Monday.
On Friday, my parents dropped by my place, bearing food and more food, and I gave them my gifts from my Bangkok trip. I gave Mom one set of salt-and-pepper shakers in the form of cats, and another wood statue of a Siamese cat (if you haven't caught the drift, my Mom loves cats). I gave my Dad a pair of genuine leather shoes, which apparently are of better quality in Thailand, rather than here at home.
Afterwards, after a long stretch of not seeing each other because of various responsibilities, I met up with Sacha at Carrefour, and later joined Vira and a couple of other of their office friends to watch the first episode of Indonesian Idol's new season. We had a blast watching, and since they made the show, they were always talking about this and that detail, or how they didn't like a certain part, and so on. The night went on with chilling at Barbados after an abortive visit to Second Floor. We walked the way from Second Floor to Barbados.. and I must say, I enjoyed the walk more than the bar.
Saturday, I went shopping! I brought Nelly along as my personal stylist, as apparently I have no hope whatsoever in picking something out for myself. I picked out 2 shirts, 3 t-shirts, and a vest (don't ask me how much it cost me). Afterwards, Vira gathered a couple of us for dinner, and I finally was able to give her her Bangkok souvenirs (I had already given her her birthday present). Funny thing is, I gave her souvenirs from Alfa too, which Alfa asked me to give to her, and at that very occasion Alfa was there also. Ha. Later that night, I went out with Nelly and Sarah for a round of fried rice with mutton.
Sunday was slow day; the intention was I go over to Vira and Tanti's place and fix Vira's computer, as last time I tried to use it, it didn't turn on, and I had not properly set up the harddisk I gave her. The computer turned out to be fine, and I easily set up the harddisk, so that left me joining a DVD marathon of The O.C. with them, and supper later at Lokananta. I went to EX with Tanti later, and picked out a nice jacket on a whim (man, am I turning into a shopping freak??) and then we hung out at Gloria Jeans chatting.

Now that I've written everything down... suddenly my weekend feels... expensive. Ha hahahaha!!!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Nobody In Particular (Or Almost Everybody?)

First of all, it's the eyes. It's always the eyes.
Eyes that just talk to you, eyes that emanate warmth, and make you feel like she's listening to you with her eyes. Eyes that you can look into hours on end, eyes that are beautiful even when they're closed. And of course, eyes that have a slight veil of mystery behind them, that makes you want to know more.
Then it's always the hard-boiled stubborn attitude; never annoying, but persistently stubborn. Stubborn with a smile that can melt you away when you have objections, stubborn with a somehow no-compromise but easy-going attitude that makes it easy for you to just go along with her idea. And let her go through her own blunder, hahaha...
There's always the passion for something that I can't really identify or understand, yet knowing and recognizing the object of her interest always lights up my day, especially when I'm involved in one of her pursuits. I am always intrigued to find out more.
Of course, there's the hours of talk, whether it be chatting via the internet or just somewhere nice, talking about nothing in particular. Sharing thoughts, sharing ideas, debating, compromising, giving lessons, talking from the heart, crying, laughing, tears, rain, hot air... even moments of silence just staring at something... sharing a song, and talking about that song, how it's good or not good... or talking about some fantasy, make-believe predicament (I love this!), letting our minds wander into alternate realities...
Sharing a chocolate ice cream, or ordering different flavors of ice cream and sharing with each other...
Playing with cats... befriending the neighborhood cat or any friendly cat that shows up at somewhere we eat...
And if she believes in me, more than I believe in myself...
One important point: the way she touches me. In a friendly way, in a way that makes me think I am worthy of her touch, and that she doesn't mind simple gestures as a pat on the back or holding by the arm, also as signs of affection.
And always, how she adores my consistently childish mannerisms, like always spilling my food or leaving my mouth unclean, even though I try my best not to.
How she listens to me by looking directly at me, whether or not she knows that I could stop talking if I look into her eyes from utter admiration, or perhaps shyness...

No, I'm not in love, not yet... not any time soon, I figure. But writing this down also helps me define myself.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Heavy Morning Thoughts

I think the ghost has stopped haunting me for the moment, as I can sleep better at night. No thoughts of despair or regret entering my mind or my heart, but... nothing else in particular either. Maybe it is time to find consolation in more work. More work takes more time, and keeps my mind off other things and other needs, and when it's finally time to go home, I'll be too tired to think of anything else.
Sounds like a typical metropolitan existence.
I find no comfort in that, as I can well see where the road leads...
Growing up is tough, isn't it?
So... be grateful of the ones who love you, they're all you've got. Job, house, car, and so on... it can all disappear with a sweep of tsunami wave, an earthquake, or bankruptcy...
Your job is important to you, but remember, you are important to other people...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Possible Betrayal?

Yesterday, I was drained to the last drop, and did not have the energy to write what I am attempting to write about now. Now, the worst part is probably over, but it seems that I can't begin to write about it either.
I don't think I can even begin to explain without telling a bit about the history, and I'm not inclined to do that, due to the transparent nature of this blog, or anyone else's for that matter. And I don't think I can tell about the details without breaking down in the middle of the story. Well, maybe not, but... I'd rather not elaborate, as usual.

A few weeks ago I posted about learning of some news that would have some profound effect on a lot of things. Well, the day has come... and... I'm a total wreck.

I'll be blunt: due to circumstances more or less beyond my control, including the person in question, I have lost someone I care about very much. I have lost her to... to... inevitability. She hates me to the core, and I don't blame her; but there was nothing I could do. I have run the situations brought to me a million times in my head, and there was nothing I could do.

Maybe my not doing anything was the thing I did wrong, as many inactions lead to chaos as actions do. I have been dreading this day for weeks; I have been running scenarios in my head a million times, what I should say, what I should do... but still, life always brings little (or big) suprises to the mix, catching us all off guard.

I can't find any more words to say...

If you're reading this... I'm sorry, and I miss you... just take care of yourself.

Sunday, March 20, 2005


It's always amazing how long a day takes when you're waiting for the next day. Excruciatingly, frustratingly long. And it's equally annoying how fast time goes by when there is so much to consider, to do, to act upon.
Patience is a virtue, but never a virtue of mine.
Somehow I feel I'm doing everything wrong, misplacing pride, effort, and perseverance. Pushing the wrong things the wrong way. On the other hand, I guess it does reflect what I need (as opposed to want) most. And frustratingly, I always screw it up.
I have to try to get myself to middle ground here, being the ungrateful person that I am. That which you do not have is always that which you want most. In hindsight, it was always one thing or the other, never ever perfect, never even satisfying. I guess that's human, but psychotically human. Maybe I will never get over the need to make myself better, and perhaps for most people it's a healthy thing. For me, it just degrades everything else.
For someone as unstable as me, I need a pillar to hold on to once in a while, someone that I will love and care with all my heart for ever and ever.
Now, I'll just have to look... does the hard part come now, or later, I wonder?
Life is always hard, and the days are always long, but for every moment forward, remember to look in the rearview mirror and say thanks.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Cross My Fingers, Good Luck

Hopefully, it will work out. Hopefully.
I need this, need it as much as I need my sanity as it has always been a part of it.

Please. Please. Please.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


The cat's out of the bag.

For those who might be curious, it's the cheapest model, the 512 MB one. 120 songs, PC and Mac. The funny thing is, I can get it to sync songs from iTunes from my Windows laptop without a glitch, but have not managed to connect it to my PowerMac G4, where the majority of my song collection lies.
Anyway, it's nice lah... small enough to fit in your pocket, and light enough to hang it on your neck without too much interference. I usually slip it inside my shirt over my undershirt, and only let the headphones hang out. It's good enough to keep my favorite 100 songs, and accompany me on the bus or akward moments.

Belated Travel Report

A few days ago, I made a long post with photos and everything, about the trip to Bangkok. When I finally finished the post and clicked the "publish post" button, .... the network went down, and so I lost the post. The entire post. So... I'll just put up the pictures here, and a few captions.

the living room of the apartment four of us rented for the week in Bangkok. It was HUGE!

The dome of The Dome, where the artist's showcase on the first night occured.

An alleyway of the Chaktuchak weekend market in Bangkok.

One of the main roads that run around the Chaktuchak market.

While in transit at KLIA, I had time to go online and check email and upload these pictures, through Wi-Fi.

Another view of KLIA, with the laptop in the bottom left-hand corner.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

The Aftermath Of The Long Week

I'm too tired to even start telling my story for the past week; I had time to go online but never really had the energy or ideas to post something. When usually I take time to take pictures on my phone, I never really had the energy to do that either. The conference took every effort to keep my mind working, concentrating and processing issues; and at some points, staying awake. The sessions I participated in were up to a day longer than everybody else, so when all my office friends were out having the time of their life in Bangkok, I was still cooped up in a meeting and dinner until Friday night.
The conference itself was very useful, and it gave me a lot of information and renewed energy to do my job properly; because, as you may have seen in this blog, I've been kind of winging it. Thus, when I'm back in Jakarta, the war will start all over again.
I only had time to go around Bangkok today, and it was more spent looking for stuff for friends and loved ones at home; going around Chaktuchak (the weekend market), Siam Square, Siam Centre, MBK and Chit Lom; and resulting in severe foot pains. Once I reached the apartment that four of us were staying in, I immediately took a prolonged warm bath to soote the aching muscles.
The trip was great, but all I can think about now is going home, pulling through the week ahead and getting some delayed rest. Also, let's just say there's something that's making me feel good these days, but I don't want to spill anything until something really happens. I mean, really as in real life. Yeah, real life, and not in my head for once.
Next week will also mark the end of something graciously self-educating, although coming with it's share of pain and happiness. At least I think it will end, we'll have to see, won't we?

I'll tell some more details of the past weeks when I have fully recuperated.
As usual, I'm keeping things ambiguous... to save myself some embarrasment.

Sunday, March 6, 2005

The Day In-Between

I just finished half of what was going to be a hectic 2 weeks; the first week chasing a lot of stuff at the office and helping out at the Java Jazz Festival (to the point I did not get to see any acts as I was on duty all the time), today is my one day spent at the office before I head out to Bangkok for a regional conference. I have to compile all my files for preparation to present and share information, I have to tie up some loose ends before I leave the office for the week (there are a few, but they are urgent anyway), and I have to collect and buy everything I need for the trip. I'm out of body spray and hair gel, so I'll have to buy some later. I have to wrap up 2 key meetings later today so I can bring new information to the conference. I have to... oh, man... there's so much to do, and I don't have the energy to do it!
I'm not even looking forward to the trip to Bangkok, as it will be filled with meetings and the like, and I just feel very unprepared. I am feeling that my division here in Indonesia has not done enough, has not done much compared to the other countries, and I feel rather insignificant. Of course, there are good reasons to the lack of activity in some areas, but still...
Not to mention the fact that the conferences take all day and would be a toll to the mind and body, trying to absorb all that information, when all my mind and body wants to do is rest. I have not had a real break for almost 6 months now, and it's taking the toll. Supposedly my participation in the Java Jazz event should of refreshed my mind, but it only augmented the fact that lately I've been very sick of my usual workload and material. The event reminded me of what I used to do a lot in my college years, and how much I loved being in the field, tired or not. It's not that I'm a 100% field man, I have mileage in the corporate circles too, but since what is handled is usually completely different, lately I have been thinking that I do prefer working in the field. Highlights of my usual work week is usually when I have a meeting outside the office, not sitting in front of a computer typing emails, doing administration stuff, making presentations and the like.
I just feel tired; the body is a bit tired but actually refreshed from all the energy expended, but the mind still just isn't working. All I'm doing is looking for shortcuts to speed up my work.
Ok, time for chocolate again...

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Helping Out For Myself

I've been under considerable stress at the office, and perhaps overflowing to my personal life as well, because work is pushing me to do many things, a lot of them probably inconceivable for me to do a few years ago, and still scaring the hell out of me right now if I can do it, and personal life is a mess. Kind of just existing day to day, you know.
It has always been good therapy for me when I'm in the dumps, I try to help other people out or make other people happy, so I can give myself a bit of self-worth, and get my mind off things for the moment. So, many times I find myself in strange or akward situations, and since I'm depressed a lot, many people see me as a helpful person, when in fact I just do it for myself. Well, in most cases it's the will to help first, with an added value of good therapy.
So.... right now, I'm sitting at a commitee office, one trying to hold an international music festival which starts... in 2 days, helping out with small stuff here and there. I really want to help out, as it seems there are a lot of things that haven't been done, and my helping actually makes a difference, and... it keeps my mind of things going on at the office and personal life. Having feasible short-term goals to do, or small steps or challenges to overcome, is refreshing, and also helps with your self-esteem whenever you feel you aren't doing well at anything, you're no good to anyone, or you're forever trapped in the good-for-nothing mode.
The excitement of something new is always a good boost.