Wednesday, August 31, 2005


I call you up
You pick up
You call my bluff
On the card to love
You hold too close
Your hands to your chest
I can read your eyes
But I confess
It's lonely far from you, oh

Even when you're right by me
It's only why I wait for you
To take my hand

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you?
Wherever you are
I swear
You be my angel

I play my cards the best I can
But I lose my luck when you're not here
My darling heart
Won't you please give in?
I may be strong
But I want you back again

When you're not here it's hard to pretend
It's all alright again
When you're not here love it's hard to pretend
It's all alright but still
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I run after you like I do, I love you?
Whatever you are
I swear
You be my angel, you

Watch the deck
Count your cards
Makes no sense
That I'm always losing
When you're gone

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you
Whatever you are
I swear
You'll be my angel, you
When you're gone

[as sung by Dave Matthews Band... to my butterfly, my archangel]

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Speak Softly Love

Speak softly love and hold me warm against your heart
I feel your words, the tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own
Sharing a love that only few have ever know

*Wine coloured days warmed by the sun
Deep velvet nights when we are one

Speak softly love so no one hears us but the sky
The vows of love we make will live unitil we die
My life is yours and all because
You came into my world with love, so softly love

[as sung by Andy Williams -> soundtrack of "The Godfather"]

Friday, August 26, 2005

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

I hate waiting.
I hate how when you're waiting, that anything you do to kill the hours, the minutes, the seconds until whatever you're waiting for happens, seems oblivious.
... A bit like this post, I guess.
The worst kind of waiting is waiting for news, and you never know if it will be bad or good. Especially when you have no prior information whatsoever on how it's going to turn out. All the odds are up in the air, and you spend most of the time trying to calculate or estimate the outcome with whatever information you have. And make yourself crazy doing it.
Confidence, insecurities, unassurances, beliefs, doubts, all kick in.
You're restless, can't stay in one place... you walk around to work off the shaking. You look at the clock all the time, or maybe even the calendar.
You get to the point where you just stop speculating, thinking or talking about it... and just stare at a wall. More doubts kick in.
Damn, I hate waiting!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Hello Again

I'm in a good mood.
In such a good mood I do not know what to say, let alone describe anything.
Maybe it's also because that deep down inside, some part of me is afraid that the mood will die.
Hopefully not. I think not. It will grow into something different and complicated, though. Which is good.
I do not know what the coming days will bring, but I will receive them with open arms. I will go the distance, as apparently I have been doing all this time...
Stay with me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Just Popping In

Darn, I can't believe it's already been a week since my last post! Work has been a bit crazy, not even giving me time for short posts from the office, and last weekend was a bit full as well. Not to mention the fact that my internet connection at home has been dead for at least a month now, so no blogging from home.

So... just popping in to say hi to the blog world... hopefully I'll have some extra time later today to do some updates.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

21st Century Schizophrenia Is, Unfortunately, Absolute

Messages and images of the past keep waking me in mid-sleep, to face the reality of what has been, and not what could be. Reason states that all is over and done with, and everything should be well. But no, that is not what is happening. What do dreams reflect; a random mix of recollection, or an aspiration of the present and future? Are dreams what drive us, or are they what fuels our inherent partial madness; in the obligatory schizophrenia of the 21st century?
What makes sense cannot make sense to another, yet we swallow reality as a whole and tolerate the differences when we can. Happiness, feelings of elation, or sadness and pain; are relative constructs without definite reverence. Only through a decision of paradigm can we reach a commonality of what is real, and what is false; whereas actually everything is up in the air for anyone's guess to interpret. Whole societies, thus, will never be able to decide on anything for a standard, let alone individuals who cannot formulate an accurate description of their feelings and thoughts for full comprehension of their fellows.
Then how can man judge when paradigms are not constructed anymore? How can man decide on a course of action when even the facts are object to relative observation? What is truth when truth is only an agreed upon perspective of possible fiction?
What man can do... is try. The heart (and faith, for those who believe) serves as the guide for these paranoid times. Whether or not it is the truth, it creates and binds civilization, preventing it from total chaos and disorder.
Believe what your heart says, but listen to it every moment, even in your sleep. Whether you listen to it or not is totally up to you.
I believe that I must try until I cannot try any more.

But then... everything is relative, right? Including my willpower.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Idiot Box Returns

You'd probably remember that I have been deprived of my TV-watching rights for almost a month now, without really feeling the loss, as I can watch DVDs on either of my computers, and do not have any important TV series to follow. Thus, I was happily TV-less... but eventually, I felt the need for one as I was missing out on news, new shows, and everything else that is on TV....
So yesterday, I bought this:

It's not as big as my older 21" TV, it's a 17" one; much, much more suitable for the room and its surroundings, as with the current layout, a large TV would block out light from the windows. So now I can listen to CDs and watch DVDs with much more flexibility; never having to wait for the computer to start up (the process gets longer every year, doesn't it?), and enjoy something I haven't been able to do for a long time: use a remote for changing channels! Now, my old TV, is (or was?) as old as me, so it takes more physical effort to change the channels, i.e. turning the knob. So very 70's.
When I told Mom I had finally bought a new TV, Mom said that a TV repairman friend mentioned that the old TV could be converted to a multi-channel remote-controlled thing-of-a-jig for Rp 500 thousand (whereas the new TV cost me Rp 1.1 million). In hindsight, the old TV enabled to play DVDs would be a bit more cooler than the TV above, at least for me, anyway... oh well. I might do it anyway just for the heck of it when I can spare the money.

Ok... back to the DVDs then...

Thursday, August 11, 2005


When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly

So flutter through the sky
Spread your wings and fly

[as sung by Mariah Carey. For my butterfly, wherever you are, mark these words as truth]

Monday, August 8, 2005

Have A Nice Day

Life is too short for hesitation.
Do what you feel is right, and do it with confidence.

Always learn what you can from your mistakes, but never regret them.

Listen to your heart, use your brain, and take action for the best.

Pace quickly for the best opportunities, but don't hurry yourself you forget to look where you step.

Making bad decisions is a part of life, don't be afraid of them. But always do your best.

Pain and love are both everlasting energies that can complement each other; make sure you have the right balance of both.

Plan your life well but live it day by day.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

[as sung by George Michael]

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Strange Email

I got this strange email today.

From:"Neateye" Add to Address Book
Subject: Gouranga
Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 00:05:04 +0100
Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!

Hmm.... wonder what it means? No attachements or anything, so it's not a virus; it went to my webmail account, and it went direct to my bulk mail folder. Hmm. Any ideas?

Monday, August 1, 2005

2 Days, 3 Cities

Last weekend was a bit crazy, to say the least.
I got home really late Friday night although I planned to take the trip to Bogor early. I purposedly took my time with everything, enjoying the night with good company, and sleeping in late anyway.
When I woke up in the morning, I still took my time; I lay in bed until I was really sure I was going to be late, as a friend said that he would be there from 10 AM. So... I got up at 9, collected by baggage for the weekend, and started the 2-hour trek to Bogor.
I took a bus from near home to Lebak Bulus, then in turn took one of the smaller buses to Parung. The trip was long and hot, and all I really got out from it was the sense of adventure, not having done it in a while. I connected with another minibus to Bogor from Parung, and finally reached my old high school. There was a 50 year anniversary and reunion, and me and a lot of my high school friends would be meeting up there.
Apparently, I was early, and none of my friends were there yet, so I went to one of my friend's houses nearby to just hang there until the gang got together. We played cards for God knows how long, just like in high school; which brought to mind the question: did we really do any studying in high school?
Later that day, finally the people started coming from all over, and it was great seeing all those old friends who ave gone somewhere or another; some married, some pregnant, some still happily single, a lot still depressingly single, and most of the men fatter. We talked, traded business cards, talked about old times, talked about all those years after, and of course made fun of each other like old times. Whatever peer pressure gaps occured in the high school years, almost evaporated after years of distance and wisdom. Of course, birds of a feather flock together, and we all still grouped in our previous gangs (or lack thereof). After the end of the day's events at 10 PM, most of us moved to a popular cafe in Bogor and stayed there until 1 AM. It still went on after that, to a simpler (and cheaper) roadside foodstall, and eventually we reached Anes' house by 3 AM. Anes and Bonni planned to go to Jakarta at 5 AM, and me to Bandung at the same time, so instead of risking sleeping and missing 5 AM, we played cards again until 5.
The guys dropped me off at the bus station, and I begun another leg of my trek to Bandung by bus, reaching Bandung at around 10 AM. I went to Yadi's house, and after a full 15 minutes visit for freshening up and a change of clothes, I went to a friend's wedding reception. Tike, one of the prettiest girls of our class (university, that is) got married, and I went there with Yadi ti meet Yari and Lukman (who were probably the only visitors from our class). We eventually split at about 1 PM, as Coki was a no-show, and I joined Nadia and her office mates at Heritage. I just tagged along with them doing the Jakarta-tourist-coming-to-Bandung thing before going back to Jakarta with them.
I finally reached home by 12 AM... wholly tired... but somehow satisfied. I did not make any specific plans, and everything worked out in the end anyway.