Thursday, June 30, 2005

Today, And The Days Before

Every morning I fall in love
Every night I break my heart
and Every morning I fall in love again.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Cherish What You Have

Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.
Cherish what you have.

... or so I keep telling myself.
Sometimes you just have to fight for it, not just let everything fall in place. The fight is hard, but it's worth it. For better or for worse, it's worth it.

Still That Awful Feeling

I bet everyone has had one of those days, where everything seemingly goes wrong, and somehow, when things don't go wrong, I get the feeling that things are seemingly going wrong without me knowing it. From the moment you wake up, you have that dreaded feeling that things just won't go your way...

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Misunderstandings, Misconceptions and Misgivings

The day that didn't start out right actually began before today, last night, when everything was still dark but noisy, when the skies stayed silent instead of pouring rain and instants of light, when a lot of people were still hurrying home by whatever means possible. The body was tired, but I felt obligated to accompany two close friends to another friend's wedding to a location, which to some people would be considered almost out of town. We didn't stay long, as we hardly knew anyone there, and we went to Gelato to cool the night down with some hot drinks and chit chat.
The talk was okay, the company was okay, but the body still did not feel well, and I was somehow already upset about something; something almost within grasp, but always just almost.
Later in the night a co-worker called me to ask a few questions about work; since I had left the office from 2 PM that day for a meeting, I did not return to the office and had no idea what transpired. Apparently there was a big, screaming misunderstanding between 3 co-workers, which could of been settled by giving me a short call (which none of them did). That added to the bad mood, as I have always had some reservations towards the lack of good communication between some co-workers, thus proven by this event. My body was also too tired to get on with work after reaching home, so I slept with a restless heart, waking up almost every hour; and eventually getting up at 6.30 AM to do a bit of work.
Hoping, expecting and waiting were never one of my better traits, and always bordered on worrying and getting restless all the time, because of something that bothers me, and because of something that still shows no light of ever settling. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't... the uncertainty kills me.
Later I have to lead up a big meeting... hopefully the mood will be better then.

Saturday, June 25, 2005


It's been a tiring couple of weeks; I want to get away for a while to the mountains, but I'm stuck here in front of the computer at home, doing endless streams of data entry. Don't think it'll be finished for another week, because I have to upload some picture files as well. Think I'm going to just short cut it and input all the data, and send the picture files together with the original documents to the client and let them worry about the picture uploading.
Sitting in the cool air in the mountains, with a hot cup of tea, or maybe one of those cup noodle things, with something nice to read, a guitar to strum, or warm company, would be very refreshing. I'm tempted to just ditch this work (again) for the weekend, but if I do that the work will just drag on longer...

Thursday, June 23, 2005

That Day That Always Comes Around Every Year

Hey, so, it's been a few days since my last post. I've been totally busy, working in the day and working in the night. There has been a lot of stuff to finish, and even now I'm not finished yet. Nevertheless, last Tuesday, June 21st, was my birthday.
June 21st started off with me at an internet cafe, as suddenly my home internet connection faltered, and I had to run there to finish my work for the day. At 12 AM, I was sitting in front of the computer, uploading data, when the first phone call came in. Even before that call, uncannily, a friend posted a 'happy birthday' testimonial for me, and I read it at about 12 AM, ha ha... what are the chances?
I only stayed at the internet cafe til 2 AM, because I was already dead tired by then, and I went home. Mom being Mom, insisting that she come over with homemade pizza for me to bring to the office, showed up at my place at about 7.30ish... bringing pizza... and a brand new DVD player! I was.... stoked! Didn't see that one coming, as usually my parents don't buy me anything special for my birthday, and I never expected them to. The funny thing is... the TV I'm using is as old as me, so the DVD player is temporarily unuseable (except as a CD player). Ha ha... so I guess I'll have to buy a new TV when I have enough money to spare.
So anyway... Mom dropped me off at the office with the pizza, which was apparently not enough for office friends. I had to buy a chocolate cake later in the day so I could give out enough to everyone. Nelly, Detta, Sarah and Zaki pitched in and got me an electric shaver, to my suprise! I hardly have a beard, and I usually shave about once in 3 days... but of course, an electric shaver is kind of like a "stepping stone" towards the future, hhahaha....
At lunch time, apparently my office friends conspired for us to eat out together, and they bought a cake and one simple candle... and sung "happy birthday"... I was suddenly touched, as it had been a long time since anybody actually celebrated my birthday without me pulling everyone for lunch or dinner together. Thanks, guys...
I spent the rest of the night working again; with a lot of my friends asking, why aren't you out celebrating or anything? Well, truth to be said, I'm broke, and had a lot of work to do...
Well, anyway, until yesterday there were still some calls and SMSes saying happy belated birthday... hehe...
So far, this is the most memorable birthday, since I love suprises, and I got a lot of that!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Middle Ground

I think it's best to walk upon the fence rather than face absolutes all the time. Well, at least for now. Fence is good.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

[Place Profanity Here]

I don't know what I want. Everything is just kind of hanging in limbo, nothing actually going one way or the other, and nothing really going the way I wanted them. Well... I'm used to things never going the way I want or planned, but this is going nowhere.
It's kind of like I'm frustrated with everything. One push and the temper lid goes off. To anybody. I really wish that someone could just help calm me down, but even the closest of friends tend to piss me off these days (um... long story). Things are not looking good, and yet again, I cannot rely on my friends to help ease everything out. I feel that they're just adding to the fire...
Man, I need some stress relief.

Monday, June 13, 2005

The Truth

You never really do forget anything. You just put it somewhere that is harder to access.
That's why the days get longer.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Apple To Use Intel Processors in 2006

The title sentence may come as a herald of Armageddon for ultimate Mac lovers. The war between Wintel platforms and Macintosh platforms, which has gone on for 20 years since the birth of the Macintosh, has evolved into a whole new ball game.
For years, the Wintel platform (Microsoft Windows on Intel processors), with IBM-modeled open architecture (the original arch-enemy of the Macintosh platform) prevailed the computer battles with DOS, then Windows 1. 0 (which is a licensee of the Macintosh OS) because of the open architecture itself. No ROM devices like on the Mac. Anyone can make a computer. The market opened possibilities to make endless variations of the same operating system and hardware combination (not to mention, viruses and system incompatibilities as well), while Macintosh has to this day maintained a closed architechture, using ROM components which cannot be made by anybody other than Apple, and not giving one single license to anyone for producing Apple clones.
The war also occured on a processor level as well, as the processors used up to the latest G5's use RISC (Reduced Instruction Set Computing) and Intel (and AMD) uses CISC (Complex Instruction Set Computing); two very different variations of designing a processor, and how it handles data. For years critics and Intel employees alike have said that Apple missed the CISC boat by not using Intel processors, choosing to use chips developed first by Motorola, then IBM (the former arch-enemy) in G4 and G5.
For Mac freaks around the world, the distinct and unique use of software and hardware on the Macintosh platform made it special, and made it a level above the "general use" computers, even compared to the high-end Wintel computers. A similar situation occurs in the PDA market, where Palm OS users zealously maintain their Palm OS devices, OS and programs over Windows Mobile products, which are up to now still relatively unreliable. The difference is, Palm OS has evolved to become too complex, hence also unreliable (although still much more reliable than Windows Mobile)... plus, the major knife-in-the-back for Palm OS fans, is the decision of PalmSource (the company that develops the Palm OS) to create Palm OS as a "skin" running on top of a Linux kernel. The Palm OS as we know it is dead, but it leaves its face and simple usability for future Palm OS products. Let's just admit it, once Linux is used, although just running in the background, eventually other people will make their own "skins" and phase Palm OS out. Perhaps even a Windows Mobile skin, who knows...

The same "betrayal" occured when Apple decided to use Intel processors for their future products (see the article here). It's like, taking the heart of your enemy and using it yourself. Of course, the Mac OS will remain as it is (maybe even better), the ROM chips will remain, and perhaps most of the world will never notice the difference. Well, maybe the millions of Mac fans... and AMD employees.

Here's the catch. I think this is a great move. Not only do they get the superior technology (come on, admit it guys) of Intel processors, they get to play head-to-head with all those IBM architechture computers... and Microsoft. If they pull it off (and I believe they will), they will prove that even with Intel microprocessors, the Mac OS is still a better product. And no, they will not be giving out clone licenses; they will sell ROM chips! So any computer store that is equipped to assemble a Wintel product, can also assemble a Mac OS product! This is the key goal of the expansion that Apple has planned, and could actually be felt since the introduction of iPod Shuffle and Mac mini.
Apple will continue to make their hardware products, but they will have added revenue from these built-up computers, not to mention elbowing into turf that was originally monopolized by Wintel products. They have succeeded in their 10-year long brand revamp excersize, now it's time to capitalize on it.

So, friends, the battle is not over yet!
(Thanks to MacFreak for the news link.)

Long Two Days Ahead

This weekend is, according to schedule, as packed as it can get.
This morning I have to meet with some of the people I'm working with for a project, to hand over some stuff.. then it's off to the train station, to go to Bogor! I haven't been there in ages. A friend's wedding is there, and I was only told yesterday, and I was apparently specifically invited but they did not know how to contact me. So off to Bogor I go later...
After the wedding, and perhaps going out with friends in Bogor afterwards... I'm headed to Bandung. I still don't know where I'll be staying, with what transport to go to Bandung... but... perhaps it's time for me to get a bit lost, take a little solo time.
When nobody's talking to you, you can hear the voices in your head (and your heart) clearer...
On Sunday, there's yet another wedding to go to...

No, the weddings do not depress me one bit... I'm not even thinking about that... it's just that my Dad, on a phone conversation a few nights ago... he said, "Don't forget to go look for a girlfriend ya!". Damn. That depresses me.

So, hopefully this trip will be fruitful...


Someday We'll Know

90 miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving
I don’t know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
You’re still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry
Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I’m speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight
Someday we’ll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me?
Someday we’ll know
Why Sampson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you

(New Radicals)

[Someday I'll go dancing on the moon, but only when the time is right]

Thursday, June 9, 2005

Ordinary People

Girl, I'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon, past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistake
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie, no
No fairytale conclusion, y'all
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances, we take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy I still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight, maybe we won't survive
Maybe we'll grow we never know
Baby, you and I
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go, yeah
'Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
'Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow, slow
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

(as sung by John Legend)

Should we take it slow? Or not at all?

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Guest Awaited

In Javanese tradition, they say if a butterfly comes in to your house, it means you should be expecting a guest. Most cases, in reality, the guest is the butterfly itself...
But this time... I await the guest that comes with the butterfly... but I can only wait...

Sunday, June 5, 2005

Why Are You Still Single?

Meeoond... you got me... so here's my result from Tickle:

Ario, you're single because you don't want to get hurt

Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again — and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone — after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind.

But maybe, just maybe, it's time to check your baggage at the door and let a new person into your life with a clean slate. You have a lot to offer someone, but you can't do it when you have one foot firmly planted in the past.

No Defence

Armed with an arrow you're pointing it straight at my heart
Watching me break as I try find my way out of the dark
They say each moment comes to an end
So my pain is its consequence,
It's a battle and I have no defence

Sure as you said that you loved me you turned me away
Suddenly everything changed right in front of my face
They say sometimes love's just unfair
But why's it at my expense
I've no answers and I have no defence

I guess I'll never understand
How love can come and go,
Looking through the broken glass now I know
But even through my bitter doubt lets my loneliness show
I'll get over, over you in the end

I wish that I had the courage to leave you behind,
Cause you are the one that I'll love for the rest of my life,
They say someday I'll trust again
But it makes no difference,
Cause it's a battle and I have no defence

written by Lucie Silvas

Moments Ago

Moments ago this conversation transpired:

You left your scissors behind, need them? and pls give me your bank account, i will pay you for the 33 boxes you packed. no argument, please.

I don't need them and I don't want the money.

Fine, it's ok. and... keep the tuck&patti CD, think of it as an early birthday present. goodbye; and take care

That's as real as it gets, ladies and gentlemen.

Saturday, June 4, 2005

One-Month Conclusion

All I can say, that I've certainly been here before. I must be running around in circles...
I know exactly what to do. I know exactly how to handle it. I know how long it will take for all of it to die down and subside... well, at least I think I do.
Knowing something and going through it are always two different things.
I know my faults, as they are, are not entirely to blame, this time... but that does not make it easier. I feel like I haven't learned a damn thing. Perhaps I have, and perhaps the road doesn't end here.... but today, I am not alive. My body functions, and my brain will do the tasks it has been assigned to, but my soul is dead, and awaiting resurrection.
The day of its rebirth is yet to come, and I await that day.
In the meantime... let me revel in the throes of disconnection; let me dance in the emptiness of the room of mind, let me hum the same old song expressing the same old thing, yet again.
And I really thought... I still think... this was the path for the future. Never more. Hope is expensive nowadays. Hoping too much has always been my fault.
For what it's worth... thanks anyway.