You Make Me Feel Brand New

My love
I'll never find the words, my love
To tell you how I feel, my love
Mere words could not explain
Precious love
You held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again

Only you
Cared when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love

God bless you
You make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song 'cause you
Make me feel brand new

My love
Whenever I was insecure
You built me up and made me sure
You gave my pride back to me
Precious friend
With you I'll always have a friend
You're someone who I can depend
To walk a path that never ends

Without you
My life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay
You for having faith in me

[thank you; you, you saved my life]

Parcels

So, in Indonesia, there's a tradition of sending nicely-packaged parcels to one another on Idul Fitri; me and Mia tried our luck at the business... and ended up packaging plates without sleep for one night last week.

I do not want to see a piece of these dinner plates ever again.

Keinginan Hayati

lebaran sebentar lagi.
aku punya banyak salah ke orang, ke dunia, ke Tuhan; dan semestinya, orang juga banyak salah ke aku. dunia... dunia bisa punya salah nggak ya? Tuhan yang pasti nggak, karena semuanya ada hikmahnya, walaupun yang terjadi tidak sesuai dengan keinginan kita.
kadang-kadang yang salah dari manusia adalah keinginan itu sendiri, karena keinginan mau tidak mau terkait dengan jasmani, dengan sebuah kebutuhan yang duniawi. kadang-kadang aku ingin berhenti menginginkan sesuatu, demi menyucikan diri sesaat dan mencoba memfokuskan diri kembali pada hal-hal yang penting. namun siapa juga yang menentukan hal-hal penting selain kita juga, sebagai sebuah turunan dari keinginan?

kata temanku, berhenti menginginkan dan mempasrahkan semuanya pada yang di atas, membuat hidup lebih ringan, dan kita juga cenderung lebih bahagia. tapi, kok sepertinya kalau berhenti menginginkan, kehidupan kita akan kurang makna? menempuhi jalan yang baik di mata Tuhan maupun tidak sama-sama membutuhkan keinginan dan usaha dari yang bersangkutan. Tidak ada seorang anak murid diluluskan ujian hanya karena dia rajin berdoa. Tuhan memberi pada ia yang berusaha dan bertawakal.

aku ingin semuanya ini cepat selesai, kalaupun belum bisa disebut sudah selesai.

Untitled

aku senang hari ini, dan kemarin juga, seolah-olah ada sebuah beban yang terlepas dari pundakku dan hatiku. Sebuah ujian berat dan panjang sepertinya sudah berlalu, meninggalkan kewaspadaan dan sudut pandang baru. Aku tidak tahu seberapa jauh hal-hal telah berubah, namun aku ingin melihat hasilnya juga. Sebenarnya, tak banyak yang berubah, tapi paling tidak aku bisa melihatnya dengan sudut pandang yang berbeda.
Tentunya, banyak pertanyaan baru muncul, beberapa pernah juga dipertanyakan sebelumnya.

Apakah memang akan selalu seperti ini?

Kenyataan Jadi Mimpi?

mungkin memang semuanya hanya mimpi?
kalau kebanyakan orang, mereka akan senang apabila mimpinya jadi kenyataan.... entah kenapa, tiba-tiba aku senang dengan kenyataan, atau sebuah bentukan dari itu, menjadi mimpi saja...

aku akan mengarungi mimpiku kapanpun jua, dan mimpiku hanya milikku, tak dapat diusik oleh siapapun juga. toh, sebentuk mimpiku masih mungkin jadi kenyataan dalam cara lain, suatu saat...

mari bermimpi!

You'll Never Find A Love Like Mine

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No one else!

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through

Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

(You're gonna) You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gone

I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

[what else is there to say?]

Rancangan Epilog

waktu pun berlalu, langkah pun berlalu, dan pintu tertutup. malam tanpa sinar menyelimuti, karena bulan dan bintang hilang diusir oleh kelompok awan yang mungkin membawa hujan sesaat lagi.
aku tak dapat berpikir lagi, aku hanya bisa melangkah. aku tidak bisa diam, karena apabila aku diam dalam cuaca ini, aku akan mati kedinginan.
aku menyesal

aku menyesal.

Spontaneous Reflection?

When trying to describe a friend, my fingers stumbled upon this sentence by accident:

you are so narcissistic, you tend to be a perfectionist to yourself, which sometimes leads to feeling inadequate

somehow applies for me as well, eh?

Cuplikan Pembicaraan

noni: gue belom pernah ke serpong
barijoe: iya, rumah gue di serpong
noni: jadi kalo lu pulang naik apa?
barijoe: naik bis
noni: sampai bsdnya?
barijoe: oh nggak, gue di puspiptek, bsd kan cuma sebagian dari serpong
noni: puspiptek.. ada 'tek'nya, pasti teknologi... pasti bokap lu ya
barijoe: iya
noni: o iya, bokap lu kan ahli nuklir se-indonesia... ahli nuklir dan atom se-indonesia
barijoe: radiofarmaka.
noni: o itu istilahnya ya?
barijoe: pengobatan nuklir. jadi-
noni: bokap lu punya pengobatan nuklir buat hati gue nggak?
sesaat berlalu.
barijoe: kalo iya, pasti gue udah minta duluan
noni: (tertawa) pembicaraan ini bagus ya... harusnya dicatat.

tercatatlah pembicaraan ini.

Reflection On A Significant Milestone

From last year's first post:

Today... is the first day... of a somewhat new era.
Although i still have unfinished business of my past life, the gateway has been past.

Today, i start a new job, in a sort of new life, because through the past few months, so many things have changed around me and within me, and so i call today a new life. When before i worked at various small companies.. today i start working at a relatively big company, in a big building and all. The prospect of a new job, a new life alone is a bit intimidating for me, not to mention the trappings that go with the job.

Suddenly, i feel a wave of loneliness overcoming, as this new experience, this new life, comes with no one to share it with. And, just for a minute there while i was on the bus, i got a glimpse into the future, the monotony, the routine, of going to the same office, going to the same cubicle... and the apparent emptiness of it all.

So with this new life... i start something i've never really done before, which is... start a blog, and share with the world my feelings and thoughts.

Let's see where the day carries me.

Here we go...
The steps I made, after a year, compared to what I wrote on my first post:
My unfinished business of my past life is somewhat settled, although the so-called new life brings about its own share of problems.

the job gets more strenuous by the minute, but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. the life that goes with the job, is, well, rather tiring adn exciting at the same time. Things still change around me, and as they say, the only thing that stays constant in life is change itself anyway. I think I will be staying at this company for a couple of years, at least until I get everything going and get my act together. The job is okay, if not good.

Those waves of loneliness still come and go, but I have found a way to handle it.. well, most of the time. I still yearn to share my insignificant moments... but sometimes it's also good to keep and cherish them inside for future reference. The work is definitely not monotonous; I have a whole office room with a good view in place of the earlier cubicle, and I finally find that solitude has its own set of comforts.

Sharing and communicating has become a theraputic habit.

I can't say that my life is outstandingly great, but I think I can say that it is better.

The days wil become weeks, months and years...

I Just Can't Help Sharing This

Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

[taken from Overheardinnewyork]

Back On Track

Thanks to a tip from the id-mac mailing list, I got this ultimately techie thing to add to my ever-expanding list of high-tech gadgets:

[for those not in the know, this is a Nokia CA-42 Data Cable for connecting a Nokia 6585 phone to a computer, for data transfer and using the phone as a modem]

So now... I am back to the world of nocturnal unlimited internet! Yay!
This means:
- more time online, more chances to go online
- more work done
- more flexibility
- and most importantly... more blog posts!

Dunia Sempit

pagiku dimulai dengan sebuah kehampaan, ditemani dua potong ayam goreng yang hambar meski telah diberi bumbu sekalipun. lantunan lagu-lagu nyaman tidak mengusik kepenatanku sedikitpun, hanya membuat pertanyaan dan kenyataan makin jelas terasa. tidurku setelahnya terisi oleh mimpi yang tak berkesan, bagaikan iklan-iklan yang terlupakan. setelah bangun, aku pun beranjak siap-siap ke kantor untuk mengerjakan beberapa hal; lagipula akhir pekanku tampaknya tidak akan dipenuhi sebuah kegiatan rekreasi, lebih baik aku bekerja saja. duniaku makin hari makin sempit.

Dreaming Wide Awake

My eyes burn
I have seen the glory of a brighter sun
My heart aches
It has felt the peace of perfect love
My mind fails
As I try to recall the bliss if a glorious day
When I was sleeping, eyes wide open
Dreaming wide awake

Who are you, stranger
To come here, and answer all my prayers?
Where are you from, angel?
You saved my life and disappeared
How do I find you?
Will you come when I need you?
Oh, how I'd love to be
Sleeping, eyes wide open
Dreaming wide awake

[as sung by Lizz Wright]
Is it real or was it just a dream?

Kegilaan Dan Kebodohan

tadi pagi aku baca... gila kalau kita melupakan sesuatu hanya karena pernah gagal... nah, kalau berkali-kali, masih gilakah? atau bodoh untuk membiarkan itu terjadi berkali-kali?

aku gila dan aku bodoh.

Mimpi

apakah apa yang kualami hanya mimpi saja?

Happiness Is Such A Fleeting Moment

Why is it, for me, that uncertainty brings such so much thoughts, and ravaging pains, as it always assumes the worst. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hope is often short-lived and expensive, and is in short supply all over the world.
Maybe because happiness is so much more worthwhile when it comes as a suprise, because the sheer positive shock of it would have to be joy. If it just gradually creeps in... maybe it isn't what it seems. Have I been blind, or just preferentially impaired?
One more note... listen to your friends, especially if a couple of totally different people say the same thing.

Penumpukan

seberapapun aku ingin melepaskan diri dari dunia yang serba materiil ini, selalu saja keadaan berbalik sehingga aku harus mencari uang untuk makan, untuk tinggal, dan untuk ketenangan hati supaya aku dapat berangan-angan mengenai sebuah kehidupan non-materiil.

oh iya, aku telah kembali setelah perjalanan ziarah ke daerah yang tanpa inspirasi untuk ditulis di sini. barulah hari ini aku mengunjungi dan membuat tulisan, dan kelihatannya akan agak banyak karena rupanya kata-kataku menumpuk jua.

fasilitas ini sempat mati juga, hingga aku tak dapat menulis...

untuk menulis ini pun, perlu uang toh? perlu barang. kini harga bensin naik, ongkos transportasi naik, sebentar lagi harga makanan naik, sampai-sampai tarif sewa kosku akan naik juga. gaji segitu-gitu saja. semakin lama kita hidup, semakin banyak kebutuhan juga...

adapun sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak bernilai materiil... kadang-kadang perlu dipupuk dengan materi juga. kasih makan anak dengan cinta? tidak... cinta dan makanan. jasmani dan rohani. jasmani puas mahal didapat, rohani puas sulit diraih.

aku masih menunggu sebuah senyuman menyambut, karena itu akan cukup membayar semuanya. apakah mungkin, ada kaitannya dengan astronomi? bulan dan bintang? kita lihat saja...

Belated Reminesence

Suddenly, but not quite suddenly, it's been a year since my first post on this blog; a year since the New Leaf sprang to life.

Let's see what I wrote on that first post:

Today... is the first day... of a somewhat new era.
Although i still have unfinished business of my past life, the gateway has been past.

Today, i start a new job, in a sort of new life, because through the past few months, so many things have changed around me and within me, and so i call today a new life. When before i worked at various small companies.. today i start working at a relatively big company, in a big building and all. The prospect of a new job, a new life alone is a bit intimidating for me, not to mention the trappings that go with the job.

Suddenly, i feel a wave of loneliness overcoming, as this new experience, this new life, comes with no one to share it with. And, just for a minute there while i was on the bus, i got a glimpse into the future, the monotony, the routine, of going to the same office, going to the same cubicle... and the apparent emptiness of it all.

So with this new life... i start something i've never really done before, which is... start a blog, and share with the world my feelings and thoughts.

Let's see where the day carries me.

I'll be pondering these words tonight... and thinking on how much a year really changes things.

Back With A Vengeance

My old mobile number is finally active again, after a few days blackout and a grueling trip to Kelapa Gading to obtain the new SIM card. So now I'm back with a vengeance!
Of course, I'll be treading carefully, in the broadest sense... things are finally better, but you never really know... not unless you know for sure what's in front of you.

Lost!

When riding on the bus this morning, I had just got up from my seat, to get off... suddenly some strange guy was slapping my feet, as though it were dirty... the next thing I know, MY PHONE IS GONE! It only took a second I guess... when I realized that it was gone, I looked behind me, but suddenly someone in the bus said "Hey, I saw someone jump off just now", so I jumped off also... come to think of it, everybody was still on the bus....

Damn!
Oh well.

Days That Are Rolling By

I am sitting in a cybercafe in my beloved home city, Bandung, on a short weekend trip to do the unecessary things that I havenever had time for in previous months. All the while, I still have to go here and download some work documents for me to follow up tomorrow. They're huge! 10 MB in all, and I have no idea on how I am going to spread the files to the rest of the team, internet being what it is these days.
Anyway, I did have some missions accomplished yesterday; me and Tanti visited Sena, Santi and their new baby. Their daughter is the spitting image of Sena, similar down to the eating habits, haha. Before, I hooked up with an online buddy, Avi, and she accompanied me to Sekeloa, where you can find good second-hand CDs for a reasonable price, and BEC to do some phone-browsing. Avi was jumpng up and down excitedly, looking at all those CDs, because she had never been there before; I took my time and finally bought 5 CDs to my ever-expanding CD collection. Time to buy that CD tower. We went to BEC because my phone had been acting up all the time for the past months, and I had just about had it with the dumb thing, and only this morning I got an inspiration on what phone I should get if all efforts to repair the phone comes to no avail.
Me and Tanti hooked up with a Lambey, Herra and Boncel at one of my favorite restaurants, Warung Sate Maranggi. They serve a totally delicious fried rice with mutton (extra chilli, of course) and at a good price, too. I was really suprised that the prices remained the same after so long, and the bill for 3 people was equal to what I would pay for one meal in Jakarta. I knew this difference, but I still couldn't believe it.
Anyway, last week me and Mia started work and ideas on a small Lebaran parcel project for some additional income (well actually, it had been her idea all along). So we bought some sample stuff, and Mia was going to make some pictures of the parcel packaging with the stuff inside (if you don't know, these Lebaran parcels are usually decorated packages filled with various food and beverages; and usually given to other people as gifts). Well, I think I'll leave Mia to the initial packaging, as when it comes to handiwork, I am now all thumbs and better off typing something on a keyboard.
Last Thursday, a long postponed dinner with Nadia came about, with her treating me at a somewhat exotic Japanese yakitori restaurant called Konoha. Although I had dinner earlier together with break of fasting, when Nadia called just to say "Are we on?" I was immediately tempted. We met the night before at the bus station and she promised she would make good on her deal with me when I bought her dinner when she was extraordinariy broke. So we went... and the food was sooooo good.... and so damn expensive! I ended up paying part of the bill anyway, out of pity to Nadia. Well... I think Konoha has become an official yearly habit. Once a year is enough, any more would sting my wallet... hahaha...

Holiday

So.... after a long spell of not posting anything, I am back, and not necessarily for the better. I have been, as always, packed to the brim with work, thus not leaving me any time to write posts; and the past 4 days I have been on a much-needed leave.
The trip was to a city that I have more or less fallen in love with, Kuala Lumpur, as it was my third time there, and this time all with my own money. The trip gave a bit of refreshing to my brain, and my heart; the extraordinary circumstances of being in a still strange city gave me enough time and energy to expend more thoughts on myself, rather than just my work (or everyone else besides me).

The holiday was marred thouugh, with the news of the second Bali bombing. My deepest condolances go out to all those afflicted. Good thing we changed out holiday plans to Bali at the last minute.

I think I will write some more on the trip, and the thoughts it gave birth to, later.