Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

Galadriel

Possessing a rare combination of wisdom and humility, while serenely dominating your environment you selflessly use your powers to care for others.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
Galadriel is a character in the Middle-Earth universe.

A Short Look Back on 2005

Today is New Year's day, and I woke up at about 7 PM since I already slept at about 11.45 PM last night. Such a good night's sleep, as my body was really tired from the more-than-normal workout yesterday.

Since I'm usually in a contemplating mood on the new year, here's a look back on 2005:
January:
In love with the ghost in the other room; and still struggling to speed up the pace at work. Had a nice short trip to Bali though. And finally, I let go of my PDA of 2 years for a smartphone.
February:
My harddisk crashed! And 3 years' worth of data, gone. Dreading the coming of March...
March:
One of the busier months of the year. Participated in Java Jazz Festival 2006 as, well, something, and only a week later, off to Bangkok. I got my iPod! Alas, March came with a loss as well...
April:
Still brooding with a loss, yet excited with another... going off to Kuala Lumpur at the end of the month.
May:
Fell in love, with apparently the wrong woman... and this would drag on for months. The Boyz II Men concert was okay, though; a lifelong dream.
June:
My 27th birthday, and still clueless about the world... and about women. Still tossin' and turvin' with the same old problem, oblivious to the truth...
July:
Busy at work, lots of projects to follow up. Heart still hanging in limbo... yet yearning for more
August:
Whose face do you see in the glittering starry midnight? And other stories. Work is hell as usual. Did a strange trip covering 3 cities in 2 days.
September:
Less sleep, but more fun waking hours :)
October:
Finally had time for a holiday, and I went to Kuala Lumpur, again. I must love that place... my wallet is still hurting from that trip. Other areas of life seemingly resolved but somewhat not.
November:
Very busy month, work and social engagements, Lebaran also... and starting to move on, finally. But apparently, I have time to fall in love with the morning haze...
December:
Achieved a higher level of clarity, giving me more satisfaction and evenness in those small minutes of the day... Work is a mix between slow and hectic, towards the new year...

Apparently, internal change is much more important to me, and I really think... 2005, despite all the trials and tribulations, has left me with something better... so, even if you were a total bitch, here's to you, 2005!

A Moment Before Midnight

I don't really if this is the norm or not with me, but the festive mood that usually circles the new year had no affect at all to me. Until December 30th I had no idea what to 'do' for the new year, when everybody else were making plans of this and that, confirming this engagement or that party, or asking everybody else what they were going to do. I have been greeted with the "what are you doing for the new year?" question countless times, yet I have always anwered with an "I don't really know" or a "Not really thinking about it".
After a good workout session this morning, and bowling with Macfreak, I went home at around 8 PM, when the streets are still empty, with a magazine and some snacks to just lie low at home, probably watch a DVD, and unwind the starting-to-ache body.
So before the new year arrives, I want to just write something down here...
One dear to me said, on new year's eve, pray for something specific and special, so God knows what you want... I sure will be doing that.
People usually make new year's resolutions... so mine is, simply: lose weight. And feel better about myself! As these two are pretty high par, I think I'll stick to these two.
This post also the second new year it is seeing, a sort of a milestone... it also marks a year (plus a few days) of the tsunami disaster, to keep things in perspective.

I really wanted to spend the new year, any new year for that matter, with someone special, someone significant.... perhaps the new year by myself isn't so bad either.

Senyum Beriring

apakah saat dan kejadian yang telah kutunggu-tunggu telah terjadi?
apakah sedang terjadi saat ini?

She Has No Time

You think your days are uneventful
And no one ever thinks about you
She goes her own way
She goes her own way
You think your days are ordinary
And no one ever thinks about you
But we're all the same
And she can hardly breathe without you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Think about the lonely people
Then think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself
And see it all dissolve around you

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

Lonely people tumble downwards
My heart opens up to you
When she says

She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time
For you now
She says she has no time

[Keane]

The Culling

Last Friday, it was a fateful day for some of us at the office.
Due to a call for cost cutting and downsizing, the office finally notified the people who were affected by this policy; after a general announcement of the policy two weeks before. I must say, the atmosphere at the office during those two weeks running up to last Friday were very strange; the office was in kind of an ugly mood, working but not working, and definitely not in tune with the season's festivities.
An thus the day came, and one of our number, the so-called "lunch gang", has to leave...

So in line with Yosi's birthday, we winded the night down with laughter and prohibitive drinks (none for me, thanks, I'm driving)...

I guess it's part of corporate life... so, might as well get on with it...

I Hate Eating Alone

The one thing that I have never gotten used to in single life is eating alone. I really hate it, even though it's happened more often than not.

Your Latest Trick

All the late night bargains have been struck
Between the satin beaus and their belles
And prehistoric garbage trucks
Have the city to themselves
Echoes roars dinosaurs
They're all doing the monster mash
And most of the taxis and the whores
Are only taking calls for cash

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

My door was standing open
Security was laid back and lax
But it was only my heart got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax
You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the intelligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off my chain

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Now it's past last call for alcohol
Past recall has been here and gone
The landlord finally paid us all
The satin jazzmen have put away their horns
And we're standing outside of this wonderland
Looking so bereaved and so bereft
Like a Bowery bum when he finally understands
The bottle's empty and there's nothing left

I don't know how it happened
It was faster than the eye could flick
But now all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

[sung by Dire Straits]

Washaway

Do you know the feeling when you wake up and already you feel tired? Your body seems not fully rested, your eyes are weary, and you have moderate pains all over your body. I was always an early riser, but it seems lately that my habits (and my activities) have made me settle on a later sleeping time... thus, less sleep.
The morning exercises help; they jump-start my body into action, and also make it warm... my room can be quite chilly in the mornings due to the faulty air conditioner. The damn thing can't make up it's mind; it sometimes spouts hot air, and cold air the next, so I keep it on a colder setting than usual to be safe. Anyway, it always makes me wake up at about 4 in the morning just to turn off the aircon (I have utilized the timer function now... and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks).
Morning exercises also wash out the bad feelings or bad memories left over from dreams or thoughts before sleep...

After All This Time...

I don't know, I may be overreacting, but -

All this time... your warmth, your splendor
Your friendly smile, your caring words
The gentle words of comfort and support, although sometimes naive and stubborn
The glow of your soul that warms and excites us all...
You're just so too good to be true -

you must be a lie.

Pahit

aku pagi ini senyum dalam kepahitan, karena kepahitan mengiringi kemurunganku yang semu;.... atau kebahagiaan yang semu? kesakitanku demikian membuat aku hanya bisa tersenyum, karena pelampiasan lain sudah tak sanggup kulakukan lagi.

jangan lagi, jangan lagi

aku relakan saja

December Is Running Out Of Gray Days

You know, I really should change the lighting or something in my room.
On many mornings, since the sunlight never reaches my room directly, everything is always so gray, especially on those cold, overcast mornings. A lot of people associate gray to a somewhat depressing colour, so imagine waking up with that nuance in your head!
Either I have to program one of the lamps to turn on in the morning (which, notably, all of my lamps have yellow bulbs), or I need to repaint one of the walls. Well, since this is a rented room, I can't paint the walls; so perhaps all I need are some really huge posters with a lot of colour.
On the other hand, I still wake up in the morning feeling like I'm in love, though with less anticipation for the day, as I really just want the year to end quickly.

Well, I kind of have my hopes up for 2006, to really start up a new slate. Wish me luck guys, as I will to you.

Ketika

ketika ku rasakan sudah ada ruang di hatiku yang kau sentuh
dan ketika kusadari sudah tak selalu indah cinta yang ada
mungkin memang ku yang harus mengerti
bila ku bukan yang ingin kau miliki
salahkah ku bila
kau lah yang ada di hatiku

adakah ku singgah di hatimu
mungkin kah kau rindukan diriku
adakah ku sedikit di hatimu
bilakah ku mengganggu harimu
mungkin kah kau inginkan adaku
akankah ku sedikit di hatimu

bila memang ku yang harus mengerti
mengapa cintamu tak dapat ku miliki
salahkah ku bila kau lah yang ada di hatiku

bila cinta kita tak akan tercipta
ku hanya ingin sekedar tuk mengerti
adakah diriku singgah di hatimu
dan bila kah kau tau
kau lah yang ada di hatiku

adakah ku di hati mu


kalau mau jujur, aku sangat merindukanmu
[lagunya Maliq 'n D'Essentials]

Ikhlas

ketika aku bangun pagi, rasa hampa yang biasanya ada tertelan oleh sebuah perasaan lain; yang kemarin-kemarin aku rasakan seperti jatuh cinta, walaupun tidak jelas aku jatuh cinta pada siapa; namun pagi ini aku rasakan bahwa perasaan itu justru adalah sakit yang sudah teredam, sebuah sakit yang sudah diiringi senyum yang terlatih. Sebuah senyum yang mengikhlaskan cinta maupun mara bahaya, sehingga timbul perasaan yang tenang, dan anehnya berjalan ke arah senang juga.

aku seperti tidak tahu lagi harus berbuat apa, hanya yang terbaik, dan sisanya aku ikhlaskan dan relakan saja.

Rise In The Morning

One of my most recent habits in the morning, is waking up a bit earlier than usual and just relaxing at home. I wake up, do the usual morning rituals, and turn on my computer to go online. I do whatever work there is to be done that can be done, chat with anybody who's online, and browse a little here and there.
I leave the lights on at a minimum, and just turn on one of the various reading lights in the room, keeping the horrid neon room light off. I turn on the news on TV just so I can skim through the headlines while I'm doing something else, and as usual, nothing of great significance is covered. It's usually some crime story or protest of rising tariffs, if not sports news. Well, no news is good news, I guess.
Almost simultaneously, a couple of my friends have been asking, "So, how's the 'scene'? Are you going out with anybody, lately?" I say "Zero."

Maybe I'll stay here for just a bit...

Well, Now...

Whatever the truth is, it may be best that it stays hidden. I have no idea what it is, anyway, and have no intent of finding out... The words did their part, and the coast is clearer because of it. Somehow, you will never understand the entire truth anyway, as I do not either.

Case closed.

Kehilangan

tiap hari kita akan kehilangan sesuatu, karena tak ada hal yang di dunia ini yang abadi, kecuali perubahan itu sendiri. tapi mengapa, bila semua orang menyadari ini, budaya manusia begitu mengacu pada sistem kepemilikan? mengapa harus memiliki apabila apa yang kau miliki hanya ada untuk sementara?

mungkin, karena dalam kesementaraan terdapat harapan...
tapi apa yang terjadi bila kita kehilangan harapan?

Before I Go Out

Fear of losing something or someone important is greater than fear of death. But if you fear losing something, do you actually own it beforehand?

Perhaps I Shouldn't Have

So... despite some amount of work I had to do, last night I went to meet my college friends for a long-overdue session of... KARAOKE! The venue was Inul Vista, where you can record a video of you singing... not that we wanted to anyway (oh, perhaps except some of us). We chose that place as it was smack in the middle of town, so easier access for everybody.

So we sang into the night... and now I am veeeery sleepy.

If That's What It Takes

Comfort me
From a world where no one cares
Where the words turn into cages
And memories cut like glass

I closed my eyes on you
Put the blames on myself
The weight is on my shoulders
Throw my heart in the wishing well

I've got to face and tame my demons
I know it's hard to start over again,
yeah, I know.
Through trials and tribulations
Salvation's like a long lost friend

I'll take back all of the hurt
For your love I've taken for granted
I'll do anything to change
If that's what it takes

No use in pretending
Ain't no pride in it all
A cure for independence
Is when you're standing in the cold

Have I used, have I used my chances
Have my bridges all been burned
Give me a sign of inspiration
To find a stone that's left unturned

I see a distant promise of Eden
Lifting my spirits so high
If I can break out of the circle
Gonna kiss that carousel goodbye

I'll take back all of the hurt
For your love I've taken for granted
I'll do anything to change
If that's what it takes

I've got to see a promise of Eden
Lifting my spirits so high
If I can break, break out of the circle
Gonna kiss that carousel goodbye

I'll take back all of the hurt
For your love I've taken for granted
I'll do anything to change, baby
If that's what it takes

Take back all of the hurt
For your love I've taken for granted
I'll do anything to change
If that's what it takes
If that's what it takes

[Mr. Big]

Wanna Give It Some Thought?

You always say how you hate me doing this and that.
You always say how you don't like this person or that, that I've been hanging out with.
Always little insignificant protests.
And... somehow, I am also insignificant.

Maybe you wanna give it some thought? There may be some significance there.

Mind Trick

I missed the opportunity
to get you babe to stay with me.
Never thought, I'd regret the excuses that I've made
like a song,it will fade

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

so I put my feelings out to dry
love, one day again,
I'll have to try.
falling out, making up
it seems such a silly game
why do I never gain?

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

na na na's

If there's music in the night,
And it's really, really right,
It's the only thing I need.
it intoxicates your mind
All your troubles left behind
So come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

[sung by Jamie Cullum]

Lebih Baik Kita Berhenti Berbicara

apa benar, bahasa yang kita pakai sekarang tidak berkembang? apa benar, kata-kata yang kita gunakan percuma saja untuk dipelajari secara lebih lamjut?

apa benar, semua kata-kata yang digunakan dalam bahasa ini terdengar begitu.... gombal? apakah benar bahasa yang aku pakai sekarang ini begitu kaku dan berkembang dengan istilah-istilah saduran dan paksaan?

kalau memang bahasaku salah, bahasaku tidak tepat, lebih baik kita semua berhenti berbicara.

namun, tak kenal maka tak sayang...

Gearing Up

In the midst of the rush to close accounts at end of year, I am currently gearing up for a project that I have done for at least 3 times before; the project spans a few cities in Indonesia and the requirements become more demanding every project roll-out. I have hired a friend to help me full-time, if there are any tasks to do over the [work] day, so at least I do not have to burn too much midnight oil and wrap up the project closer than the still unrealistic deadline.
Nothing's really happening in the personal life area, I guess I'm just busy with... myself. I spent Friday night driving around Jakarta with Alfa through roads we have never been to before, talking about this and that along the way, and ending up going home at 2 AM (we did get a late start anyway).
Last night, Macfreak was in town with his girlfriend; he just got back Friday, so, as we discussed almost 2 weeks earlier, we were going to catch the latest Harry Potter movie together. I am not going to write a review, but... I guess, the span of time between me reading the books, watching the consecutive movies... is kind of long; and that can be a good and bad thing. The good thing was I was still caught by suprise by a few plots, but after I remembered what I read almost 2 years ago... I was a bit disappointed with the movie's
abbreviation". But I guess it can't be helped, as the original texts are as thick as my stomach.

Let's see if I can have lunch with someone special today.

Just A Little Story

It's quiet, the artificial cooling of the building has stopped for the day. Not that the building needs much cooling, with regard to the weather; but it is also a necessity because most of the building does not have proper outside ventilation. No, the windows cannot be opened. The air is somewhat clean, from a previous downpour, but ready to take on the daily dose of strange gases coming from human contraptions like automobiles.
The sky can't seem to decide what color it wants to be, because the clouds are cramping its style. On a usual sunny day, the sky would be proudly blue, forcing any clouds, if present, to settle with white; today, as the clouds thought of losing some weight and let go of some water to the earth, the sky got mixed feelings, because of the sudden attention people gave to the clouds... and hid behind the clouds with a shade of grey. The sky and clouds are always at odds, sometimes also with the sun, sometimes obnoxiously radiant and hot, sometimes snobbish and hiding away behind the clouds also.
Sunset is coming, and it's the only time the sky, the clouds, and the sun get along, to bring about a wonderous pallete of colors to feast the eye; and they do it every day, for free. It is the least they can do, before the sky goes to sleep, turning black, the sun goes off somewhere, and the clouds... well, the clouds do stick around, sneaking about, actually, and will hit you with a raindrop when you least expect it.
So, stop avoiding the sky, take a look up, and see what drama, and color, ensues there.

Good Morning!

Once again, I wake up with a warm feeling inside, although the morning is cold.
The seemingly grey light emenating from the windows of my room contrast with the music flowing from my stereo, even more with the mood in my heart.
I feel like I have won something, although I am not a winner.
I feel like the sun has lent an internal radiance into my heart, to complement the hazy, cloudy days that have covered the city for over a week now.
No, do not misunderstand me, it is not those moments where somebody yells "I'm on top of the world!"
It is not one of those moments where a man feels he can do anything, he can master anything, he can conquer anything. It is not one of those seemingly moments of pride.
I'm not sure of any of these things, actually.
What I know for sure -
I am in love with the morning haze.
I might not yet know what it takes to win, but I feel I have the energy to find out.
The driving force, is not pride, but humility and total acceptance. Only when you have acknowledged your current situation, you can recognize the factors and make steps to grow.

Thus I start these days with no more than the weather walking with me, and I walk with a smile.

The Look Of Love

The look of love is in your eyes
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you

You've got the
Look of love, it's on your face
A look that time can't erase
Be mine tonight, let this be just the start of so many nights like this
Let's take a lover's vow and then seal it with a kiss

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you
Don't ever go
Don't ever go

Let's Fall In Love

I have a feeling, it's a feeling,
I'm concealing, I don't know why
It's just a mental, sentimental alibi

But I adore you
So strong for you
Why go on stalling
I am falling
Our love is calling
Why be shy?

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love?
Our hearts are made of it
Let's take a chance
Why be afraid of it

Let's close our eyes and make our own paradise
Little we know of it, still we can try
To make a go of it

We might have an end for each other
To be or not be
Let our hearts discover

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love
Now is the time for it, while we are young
Let's fall in love

We might have and end for each other
To be or not be
Let our hearts discover

Let's fall in love
Why shouldn't we fall in love?
Now is the time for it, while we are young
Let's fall in love

[so, whaddaya think?]

Testing The Email Posting System

Well… if you can read this… that means it works.

Full Month!

When it's been a long time since a post, usually I write a post on what such a busy week it has been, how either work or something else has been crazy... now I'm going to write that the whole month is full and crazy...
After a slow start, with a lot of idling at work before the Lebaran holidays and after, the second half of November is filled with stacks of work, at the office and home, and weekends out-of-town in between. There are at least 4 weddings this month, not to mention those that I only found out about later or could not make it. I'm trying to pick up the pace at work, and the side project I usually do is gearing up for another round by the end of the month. Also, a few tasks here and there are bound to be lurking around the corner, waiting to catch me at the most critical moment...
The days have relatively been trouble-free; perhaps this Syawal fasting really has its benefits. On the other hand, something's wrong, something's missing... but I will leave time to answer that riddle. The current situation has its merits, anyway.

The Lighter Side Of Jakarta

So... in light of recent conditions, and the need to express our humourous and sarcastic side, especially feelings about our beloved city Jakarta, on a nocturnal whim, me and a friend decided to start up a website, for doing just that.

So... please feel free to read and participate here.

Sometimes You Just Wish You Were A Kid Again

Two legendary lines of science fiction (and its assorted toys) have just combined:

source: www.highfiber.org

Whether it makes sense to either storyline(s), that would be a matter of debate among both camps of fans of Star Wars and Transformers...

Puasa Syawal

hari ini aku memulai sebuah ujian untuk diriku, yaitu puasa syawal. entah kenapa aneh sekali buat teman-temanku, bahwa aku melakukan ini...

moga-moga bisa selesai.

Was Once New

I encountered this, um, vehicle yesterday, a bajaj, a type of public transport only known in Jakarta other than its origins in India; in general, they are at least 20-odd years old with extensive repairs or replacements here and there (some even 100% changed altogether).
This bajaj sports the writing "Was Once New" on its rear, um, windshield.
Weren't we all once new?

I'm Sorry, So I Did An Even Stupider Thing To Make It Up To You

[is that title even correct grammatically?]

I forgot my best friend's birthday, yesterday. Well, there's a reason that I use a smartphone; because I'm dumb at these things. Yeah, I know... I expect the entire world to remember my birthday, but I can't remember anyone else's. So sue me... or at least, that's what my best friend would of done. Sentenced me to living hell with her sarcasm.

So... to make it up, I tracked her down to a place where she was doing a TVC shoot, bringing a simple slice of blueberry cake (hoping that the gesture would mean more than the cake, but the cake looked damn good anyway) and... dropped in into the entire cast of co-workers. Well, you know what they say about office gossip...
Thus, I came out the proud victor of the day, having the mission successful beyond expectations; with some mild repercussions for the plaintiff/victim, and apparently me with the last laugh for the day. On the whole, here's something you don't do everyday. It was damn fun!

So anyway... happy birthday dear; thank you for your friendship, hope everything goes well for you; I hope you gain wisdom and more blessings for the coming year, and hopefully you can still put up with me for another year. It's safe to say that I don't think I'd be forgetting your birthday next year, hahaha....

So, What Is Karaoke Again?

Dude: So are you going to sing karaoke?
Girl: No, I don't think so. Are you?
Dude: Nah.
Girl: Why not? Can you sing?
Dude: Oh yeah, I can sing. I just don't read.

--Nevada Smith's, 3rd Avenue

taken from Overheardinnewyork

Aduh! Lidahku!

hari ini lambat banget lewatnya, mungkin karena kerjaan gue udah kelar dari tadi, dan gue bisa ngejawab-jawabin email secepat kilat abis masuk ke inbox gue. gue lagi chatting nggak perlu sama temen lama gue, temen semasa kuliah, tapi beda angkatan... ga ada yang cukup penting untuk ditulis di sini, dan obrolannya pun nggak menginspirasikan gue untuk menulis sesuatu yang lain.

modblog udah kayak gini terus sebulan lebih kali ya; ganggu banget. padahal gue bikin blog di sini mau nyoba-nyoba fasilitas-fasilitas yang konon lengkap abis itu... eh, sekarang blas cuma bisa dipake buat nulis-nulis doang. gue belom tau sih, sebenernya kita bisa ngubah templatenya sendiri kayak di kebanyakan provider layanan blog lain, tapi jadi agak males gitu ngoprek-ngopreknya. sebaliknya, gue lagi ngoprek abis blog gue yg satu lagi... buat semangat baru aja. buat menggebrak rutinitas lama dengan memberikan tiap hari sebuah rasa yang baru. gitu deh.

pengen pulang... tidur... paling nggak istirahat lah, biar nanti malem bisa ke Parc.

Tomorrow

I hope tomorrow will bring better you, better me
I know that we'll show this world we got more we could be
So you should never give up on your hopes and your dreams
You gotta get up, get out, get into it, get it on to be strong

If we try, we can fly to a whole 'nother place
All we need is belief and a smile on our face
We can go anywhere we want, any road we decide to take
And we're never, never, never too far from tomorrow today

If tomorrow is light in a place where there's none
Then know that now is the time to have faith in us all
Ya know we're all in this world and we all can belong
We gotta get up, get out, get over it, get it on to be strong

(*)
If we try, we can fly to a place in the sun
All we need is precious dreams and a friend we can trust
We can go anywhere we want, any road that we can take
And we're never too far from tomorrow today

(**)
Ev'rybody say tomorrow is just for us to share
And we're gonna send our message of love out ev'rywhere
There's a promise of love tomorrow has
Something special and it's something we know will last and last

'Cause we're never far away, never
One thing I can always be sure of
Far away, no never the promise of today

[Quincy Jones featuring Tevin Campbell. For myself, and someone who should sing this with me. Well, I mean the spirit of the song, anyway. Get up, get out, get over it]

The Paradox Of Hedonism

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

The paradox of hedonism was first explicitly noted by the philosopher Henry Sidgwick in The Methods of Ethics.

More than a few common proverbs capture the idea that when one pursues happiness itself, one is miserable; but, when one pursues something else (e.g. a challenging career, a project important to humanity, a code of ethics, a religious commitment), one achieves happiness. Among others thinkers, John Stuart Mill, a Utilitarian philosopher, noted this in his autobiography:

"But I now thought that this end [one's happiness] was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness[....] Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness along the way[....] Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so." (p. 94)

Happiness is often naively equated with pleasure, though sometimes the identification of the two concepts has been argued as part of a greater philosophical position called hedonism.

If, whether for good or bad reasons, one does equate happiness with pleasure, then the paradox of hedonism arises. When one aims solely towards pleasure itself, one's aim is frustrated. Sidgwick comments on such frustration after a discussion of self-love in the above-mentioned work:

"I should not, however, infer from this that the pursuit of pleasure is necessarily self-defeating and futile; but merely that the principle of Egoistic Hedonism, when applied with a due knowledge of the laws of human nature, is practically self-limiting; i.e., that a rational method of attaining the end at which it aims requires that we should to some extent put it out of sight and not directly aim at it." (p. 3)

Aristotle might possibly have also noted the paradoxical side of pursuing pleasure, though not, at any rate, as clearly as Sidgwick. Human beings are actors whose endeavors bring about consequences, and among these are pleasure. Aristotle then argues as follows:

"How, then, is it that no one is continuously pleased? Is it that we grow weary? Certainly all human things are incapable of continuous activity. Therefore pleasure also is not continuous; for it accompanies activity." (p. 1099)

Here Aristotle might be interpreted as noting how eventually the spirit is willing [to pursue pleasure], but the flesh is weak [in obtaining pleasure]. Perhaps this is at the root of what causes the paradox to arise. Sooner or later, finite beings will be unable to acquire and expend the resources necessary to maintain their sole goal of pleasure; thus, they find themselves in the company of misery.

Timeslip

I TOTALLY THOUGHT THAT TODAY WAS WEDNESDAY!

A Fresh Look

It came as a whim, but the whim came as a cause, of what has been running in my head for a while. A new perspective needs new colors, too...
So here it is. I will be doing a bit of reworking here and there over the weeks, but.... this is the new look. Hopefully fresh enough for all of us.
Why "Positivity" as the new title?
To remind myself... always.

Untitled

aku ingin kamu tahu:
aku menyayangimu, melebihi logika, melebihi apa yang seharusnya aku rasa dan pikirkan. walaupun tidak sebanyak dahulu, sebuah detik dalam sehari akan aku luangkan untuk kamu, dan kenangan.

aku harap pencarianmu telah berakhir, dan aku harap tempat yang telah kau capai kini memberikan keamanan, kenyamanan dan balutan kepercayaan yang selama ini kamu cari-cari sampai meruntuhkan kepekaan dan logika.

aku juga tahu, kamu tidak peduli tulisan ini - bahkan, media ini bertentangan dengan prinsip kamu sebelumnya. tapi, paling tidak salah satu dari kita harus dapat mengungkapkan hal-hal yang tak pernah terungkap.

aku akan memasukkan kamu ke dalam sebuah kotak, yang berisi pelajaran-pelajaran terdahulu; kamu adalah ilmu bagi hidupku, itulah hikmah keberadaanmu bagiku. hanya saja,... tak akan lebih dari itu, takkan lagi.

mari kita ganti topik pembicaraan...

Idul Fitri

Today is Idul Fitri, a yearly celebration in the Muslim religion, of the so-called victory over lust, sin and other human drives after a 30-day fast. Technically you're supposed to not eat and drink from dawn to dusk, but a good fast would be avoiding other human drives like sexual drives, bitching, cursing and everything else that's fun.
As usual, after the Ied prayer in the morning, we get together with the rest of the extended family, and fill our stomaches to the limit with anything on the table. There are some traditional dishes, but usually it varies from region to region anyway. The most important thing is to gather with family, and to forgive each other for whatever wrongdoings or sins that happened the year past.

Let's take a look at what I mentioned last year on this event. Things never really do change, eh?

Today, I am trying to swallow my pride, and forgive someone I'm not quite ready to forgive yet.
So help me God.

A Little Bit Of Burt Bacarach

I just don't know what to do with myself
Don't know just what to do with myself
I'm so used to doing everything with you
Planning everything for two
And now that we're through

I just don't know what to do with my time
I'm so lonesome for you it's a crime
Going to a movie only makes me sad
Parties make me feel as bad
When I'm not with you
I just don't know what to do
Like a summer rose needs the sun and rain
I need your sweet love to ease all the pain

[Burt Bacarach, 1962]

Parsel Lebaran

PIRING-PIRING KEPARAT!!

You Make Me Feel Brand New

My love
I'll never find the words, my love
To tell you how I feel, my love
Mere words could not explain
Precious love
You held my life within your hands
Created everything I am
Taught me how to live again

Only you
Cared when I needed a friend
Believed in me through thick and thin
This song is for you
Filled with gratitude and love

God bless you
You make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with you
You make me feel brand new
I sing this song 'cause you
Make me feel brand new

My love
Whenever I was insecure
You built me up and made me sure
You gave my pride back to me
Precious friend
With you I'll always have a friend
You're someone who I can depend
To walk a path that never ends

Without you
My life has no meaning or rhyme
Like notes to a song out of time
How can I repay
You for having faith in me

[thank you; you, you saved my life]

Parcels

So, in Indonesia, there's a tradition of sending nicely-packaged parcels to one another on Idul Fitri; me and Mia tried our luck at the business... and ended up packaging plates without sleep for one night last week.

I do not want to see a piece of these dinner plates ever again.

Keinginan Hayati

lebaran sebentar lagi.
aku punya banyak salah ke orang, ke dunia, ke Tuhan; dan semestinya, orang juga banyak salah ke aku. dunia... dunia bisa punya salah nggak ya? Tuhan yang pasti nggak, karena semuanya ada hikmahnya, walaupun yang terjadi tidak sesuai dengan keinginan kita.
kadang-kadang yang salah dari manusia adalah keinginan itu sendiri, karena keinginan mau tidak mau terkait dengan jasmani, dengan sebuah kebutuhan yang duniawi. kadang-kadang aku ingin berhenti menginginkan sesuatu, demi menyucikan diri sesaat dan mencoba memfokuskan diri kembali pada hal-hal yang penting. namun siapa juga yang menentukan hal-hal penting selain kita juga, sebagai sebuah turunan dari keinginan?

kata temanku, berhenti menginginkan dan mempasrahkan semuanya pada yang di atas, membuat hidup lebih ringan, dan kita juga cenderung lebih bahagia. tapi, kok sepertinya kalau berhenti menginginkan, kehidupan kita akan kurang makna? menempuhi jalan yang baik di mata Tuhan maupun tidak sama-sama membutuhkan keinginan dan usaha dari yang bersangkutan. Tidak ada seorang anak murid diluluskan ujian hanya karena dia rajin berdoa. Tuhan memberi pada ia yang berusaha dan bertawakal.

aku ingin semuanya ini cepat selesai, kalaupun belum bisa disebut sudah selesai.

Untitled

aku senang hari ini, dan kemarin juga, seolah-olah ada sebuah beban yang terlepas dari pundakku dan hatiku. Sebuah ujian berat dan panjang sepertinya sudah berlalu, meninggalkan kewaspadaan dan sudut pandang baru. Aku tidak tahu seberapa jauh hal-hal telah berubah, namun aku ingin melihat hasilnya juga. Sebenarnya, tak banyak yang berubah, tapi paling tidak aku bisa melihatnya dengan sudut pandang yang berbeda.
Tentunya, banyak pertanyaan baru muncul, beberapa pernah juga dipertanyakan sebelumnya.

Apakah memang akan selalu seperti ini?

Kenyataan Jadi Mimpi?

mungkin memang semuanya hanya mimpi?
kalau kebanyakan orang, mereka akan senang apabila mimpinya jadi kenyataan.... entah kenapa, tiba-tiba aku senang dengan kenyataan, atau sebuah bentukan dari itu, menjadi mimpi saja...

aku akan mengarungi mimpiku kapanpun jua, dan mimpiku hanya milikku, tak dapat diusik oleh siapapun juga. toh, sebentuk mimpiku masih mungkin jadi kenyataan dalam cara lain, suatu saat...

mari bermimpi!

You'll Never Find A Love Like Mine

You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You'll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do

Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But I'm the one who loves you
And there's no one else! No one else!

You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone to understand you like I do
You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All the magic we shared, just us two

Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I know some how, some day, some way
You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it's cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who needs you like I do
You'll never see what you've found in me
You'll keep searching and searching your whole life through

Whoa, I don't wish you no bad luck, baby
But there's no ifs and buts or maybes

(You're gonna) You're gonna miss (miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')
You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh (you're gonna miss my lovin')
Late in the midnight hour, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When it gets real cold outside (you're gonna miss my lovin')
I know, I know that you are gonna miss my lo-o-ove

Let me tell you that you're gonna miss my lovin'
Yes you will, baby (you're gonna miss my lovin')
When I'm long gone

I know, I know, I know that you are gonna miss

[what else is there to say?]

Rancangan Epilog

waktu pun berlalu, langkah pun berlalu, dan pintu tertutup. malam tanpa sinar menyelimuti, karena bulan dan bintang hilang diusir oleh kelompok awan yang mungkin membawa hujan sesaat lagi.
aku tak dapat berpikir lagi, aku hanya bisa melangkah. aku tidak bisa diam, karena apabila aku diam dalam cuaca ini, aku akan mati kedinginan.
aku menyesal

aku menyesal.

Spontaneous Reflection?

When trying to describe a friend, my fingers stumbled upon this sentence by accident:

you are so narcissistic, you tend to be a perfectionist to yourself, which sometimes leads to feeling inadequate

somehow applies for me as well, eh?

Cuplikan Pembicaraan

noni: gue belom pernah ke serpong
barijoe: iya, rumah gue di serpong
noni: jadi kalo lu pulang naik apa?
barijoe: naik bis
noni: sampai bsdnya?
barijoe: oh nggak, gue di puspiptek, bsd kan cuma sebagian dari serpong
noni: puspiptek.. ada 'tek'nya, pasti teknologi... pasti bokap lu ya
barijoe: iya
noni: o iya, bokap lu kan ahli nuklir se-indonesia... ahli nuklir dan atom se-indonesia
barijoe: radiofarmaka.
noni: o itu istilahnya ya?
barijoe: pengobatan nuklir. jadi-
noni: bokap lu punya pengobatan nuklir buat hati gue nggak?
sesaat berlalu.
barijoe: kalo iya, pasti gue udah minta duluan
noni: (tertawa) pembicaraan ini bagus ya... harusnya dicatat.

tercatatlah pembicaraan ini.

Reflection On A Significant Milestone

From last year's first post:

Today... is the first day... of a somewhat new era.
Although i still have unfinished business of my past life, the gateway has been past.

Today, i start a new job, in a sort of new life, because through the past few months, so many things have changed around me and within me, and so i call today a new life. When before i worked at various small companies.. today i start working at a relatively big company, in a big building and all. The prospect of a new job, a new life alone is a bit intimidating for me, not to mention the trappings that go with the job.

Suddenly, i feel a wave of loneliness overcoming, as this new experience, this new life, comes with no one to share it with. And, just for a minute there while i was on the bus, i got a glimpse into the future, the monotony, the routine, of going to the same office, going to the same cubicle... and the apparent emptiness of it all.

So with this new life... i start something i've never really done before, which is... start a blog, and share with the world my feelings and thoughts.

Let's see where the day carries me.

Here we go...
The steps I made, after a year, compared to what I wrote on my first post:
My unfinished business of my past life is somewhat settled, although the so-called new life brings about its own share of problems.

the job gets more strenuous by the minute, but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. the life that goes with the job, is, well, rather tiring adn exciting at the same time. Things still change around me, and as they say, the only thing that stays constant in life is change itself anyway. I think I will be staying at this company for a couple of years, at least until I get everything going and get my act together. The job is okay, if not good.

Those waves of loneliness still come and go, but I have found a way to handle it.. well, most of the time. I still yearn to share my insignificant moments... but sometimes it's also good to keep and cherish them inside for future reference. The work is definitely not monotonous; I have a whole office room with a good view in place of the earlier cubicle, and I finally find that solitude has its own set of comforts.

Sharing and communicating has become a theraputic habit.

I can't say that my life is outstandingly great, but I think I can say that it is better.

The days wil become weeks, months and years...

I Just Can't Help Sharing This

Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

[taken from Overheardinnewyork]

Back On Track

Thanks to a tip from the id-mac mailing list, I got this ultimately techie thing to add to my ever-expanding list of high-tech gadgets:

[for those not in the know, this is a Nokia CA-42 Data Cable for connecting a Nokia 6585 phone to a computer, for data transfer and using the phone as a modem]

So now... I am back to the world of nocturnal unlimited internet! Yay!
This means:
- more time online, more chances to go online
- more work done
- more flexibility
- and most importantly... more blog posts!

Dunia Sempit

pagiku dimulai dengan sebuah kehampaan, ditemani dua potong ayam goreng yang hambar meski telah diberi bumbu sekalipun. lantunan lagu-lagu nyaman tidak mengusik kepenatanku sedikitpun, hanya membuat pertanyaan dan kenyataan makin jelas terasa. tidurku setelahnya terisi oleh mimpi yang tak berkesan, bagaikan iklan-iklan yang terlupakan. setelah bangun, aku pun beranjak siap-siap ke kantor untuk mengerjakan beberapa hal; lagipula akhir pekanku tampaknya tidak akan dipenuhi sebuah kegiatan rekreasi, lebih baik aku bekerja saja. duniaku makin hari makin sempit.

Dreaming Wide Awake

My eyes burn
I have seen the glory of a brighter sun
My heart aches
It has felt the peace of perfect love
My mind fails
As I try to recall the bliss if a glorious day
When I was sleeping, eyes wide open
Dreaming wide awake

Who are you, stranger
To come here, and answer all my prayers?
Where are you from, angel?
You saved my life and disappeared
How do I find you?
Will you come when I need you?
Oh, how I'd love to be
Sleeping, eyes wide open
Dreaming wide awake

[as sung by Lizz Wright]
Is it real or was it just a dream?

Kegilaan Dan Kebodohan

tadi pagi aku baca... gila kalau kita melupakan sesuatu hanya karena pernah gagal... nah, kalau berkali-kali, masih gilakah? atau bodoh untuk membiarkan itu terjadi berkali-kali?

aku gila dan aku bodoh.

Mimpi

apakah apa yang kualami hanya mimpi saja?

Happiness Is Such A Fleeting Moment

Why is it, for me, that uncertainty brings such so much thoughts, and ravaging pains, as it always assumes the worst. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hope is often short-lived and expensive, and is in short supply all over the world.
Maybe because happiness is so much more worthwhile when it comes as a suprise, because the sheer positive shock of it would have to be joy. If it just gradually creeps in... maybe it isn't what it seems. Have I been blind, or just preferentially impaired?
One more note... listen to your friends, especially if a couple of totally different people say the same thing.

Penumpukan

seberapapun aku ingin melepaskan diri dari dunia yang serba materiil ini, selalu saja keadaan berbalik sehingga aku harus mencari uang untuk makan, untuk tinggal, dan untuk ketenangan hati supaya aku dapat berangan-angan mengenai sebuah kehidupan non-materiil.

oh iya, aku telah kembali setelah perjalanan ziarah ke daerah yang tanpa inspirasi untuk ditulis di sini. barulah hari ini aku mengunjungi dan membuat tulisan, dan kelihatannya akan agak banyak karena rupanya kata-kataku menumpuk jua.

fasilitas ini sempat mati juga, hingga aku tak dapat menulis...

untuk menulis ini pun, perlu uang toh? perlu barang. kini harga bensin naik, ongkos transportasi naik, sebentar lagi harga makanan naik, sampai-sampai tarif sewa kosku akan naik juga. gaji segitu-gitu saja. semakin lama kita hidup, semakin banyak kebutuhan juga...

adapun sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak bernilai materiil... kadang-kadang perlu dipupuk dengan materi juga. kasih makan anak dengan cinta? tidak... cinta dan makanan. jasmani dan rohani. jasmani puas mahal didapat, rohani puas sulit diraih.

aku masih menunggu sebuah senyuman menyambut, karena itu akan cukup membayar semuanya. apakah mungkin, ada kaitannya dengan astronomi? bulan dan bintang? kita lihat saja...

Belated Reminesence

Suddenly, but not quite suddenly, it's been a year since my first post on this blog; a year since the New Leaf sprang to life.

Let's see what I wrote on that first post:

Today... is the first day... of a somewhat new era.
Although i still have unfinished business of my past life, the gateway has been past.

Today, i start a new job, in a sort of new life, because through the past few months, so many things have changed around me and within me, and so i call today a new life. When before i worked at various small companies.. today i start working at a relatively big company, in a big building and all. The prospect of a new job, a new life alone is a bit intimidating for me, not to mention the trappings that go with the job.

Suddenly, i feel a wave of loneliness overcoming, as this new experience, this new life, comes with no one to share it with. And, just for a minute there while i was on the bus, i got a glimpse into the future, the monotony, the routine, of going to the same office, going to the same cubicle... and the apparent emptiness of it all.

So with this new life... i start something i've never really done before, which is... start a blog, and share with the world my feelings and thoughts.

Let's see where the day carries me.

I'll be pondering these words tonight... and thinking on how much a year really changes things.

Back With A Vengeance

My old mobile number is finally active again, after a few days blackout and a grueling trip to Kelapa Gading to obtain the new SIM card. So now I'm back with a vengeance!
Of course, I'll be treading carefully, in the broadest sense... things are finally better, but you never really know... not unless you know for sure what's in front of you.

Lost!

When riding on the bus this morning, I had just got up from my seat, to get off... suddenly some strange guy was slapping my feet, as though it were dirty... the next thing I know, MY PHONE IS GONE! It only took a second I guess... when I realized that it was gone, I looked behind me, but suddenly someone in the bus said "Hey, I saw someone jump off just now", so I jumped off also... come to think of it, everybody was still on the bus....

Damn!
Oh well.

Days That Are Rolling By

I am sitting in a cybercafe in my beloved home city, Bandung, on a short weekend trip to do the unecessary things that I havenever had time for in previous months. All the while, I still have to go here and download some work documents for me to follow up tomorrow. They're huge! 10 MB in all, and I have no idea on how I am going to spread the files to the rest of the team, internet being what it is these days.
Anyway, I did have some missions accomplished yesterday; me and Tanti visited Sena, Santi and their new baby. Their daughter is the spitting image of Sena, similar down to the eating habits, haha. Before, I hooked up with an online buddy, Avi, and she accompanied me to Sekeloa, where you can find good second-hand CDs for a reasonable price, and BEC to do some phone-browsing. Avi was jumpng up and down excitedly, looking at all those CDs, because she had never been there before; I took my time and finally bought 5 CDs to my ever-expanding CD collection. Time to buy that CD tower. We went to BEC because my phone had been acting up all the time for the past months, and I had just about had it with the dumb thing, and only this morning I got an inspiration on what phone I should get if all efforts to repair the phone comes to no avail.
Me and Tanti hooked up with a Lambey, Herra and Boncel at one of my favorite restaurants, Warung Sate Maranggi. They serve a totally delicious fried rice with mutton (extra chilli, of course) and at a good price, too. I was really suprised that the prices remained the same after so long, and the bill for 3 people was equal to what I would pay for one meal in Jakarta. I knew this difference, but I still couldn't believe it.
Anyway, last week me and Mia started work and ideas on a small Lebaran parcel project for some additional income (well actually, it had been her idea all along). So we bought some sample stuff, and Mia was going to make some pictures of the parcel packaging with the stuff inside (if you don't know, these Lebaran parcels are usually decorated packages filled with various food and beverages; and usually given to other people as gifts). Well, I think I'll leave Mia to the initial packaging, as when it comes to handiwork, I am now all thumbs and better off typing something on a keyboard.
Last Thursday, a long postponed dinner with Nadia came about, with her treating me at a somewhat exotic Japanese yakitori restaurant called Konoha. Although I had dinner earlier together with break of fasting, when Nadia called just to say "Are we on?" I was immediately tempted. We met the night before at the bus station and she promised she would make good on her deal with me when I bought her dinner when she was extraordinariy broke. So we went... and the food was sooooo good.... and so damn expensive! I ended up paying part of the bill anyway, out of pity to Nadia. Well... I think Konoha has become an official yearly habit. Once a year is enough, any more would sting my wallet... hahaha...

Holiday

So.... after a long spell of not posting anything, I am back, and not necessarily for the better. I have been, as always, packed to the brim with work, thus not leaving me any time to write posts; and the past 4 days I have been on a much-needed leave.
The trip was to a city that I have more or less fallen in love with, Kuala Lumpur, as it was my third time there, and this time all with my own money. The trip gave a bit of refreshing to my brain, and my heart; the extraordinary circumstances of being in a still strange city gave me enough time and energy to expend more thoughts on myself, rather than just my work (or everyone else besides me).

The holiday was marred thouugh, with the news of the second Bali bombing. My deepest condolances go out to all those afflicted. Good thing we changed out holiday plans to Bali at the last minute.

I think I will write some more on the trip, and the thoughts it gave birth to, later.

besok adalah hari baru yang dimulai pagi sekali

besok aku akan berangkat dalam sebuah perjalanan yang tak pernah aku lakukan sebelumnya.... sebuah liburan atas biaya sendiri. sebuah liburan yang sudah lama dinanti, dan sepertinya sudah lama diperlukan juga.

aku ingin banyak berpikir.
aku ingin menetapkan hati.

aku ingin pulang disambut sebuah senyuman

If I Can Say So Myself

Not too give myself too much credit, but every so often I come up with apparently quotable words that, hopefully, benefit the person I'm giving the words to. These words came up on Wenyii's blog not long after my chat with her, and after reading it myself... it seems like a good thing to write down here:

we can never be better, we can only try
and be better because we try, not because we are

So... do your best... try to be the best.. but never settle for being the best.
I think I don't understand that one either...

Untitled

hari bisa buruk, bisa juga baik, tergantung menit yang kamu kenang, tergantung kenangan yang kau pegang dalam hati. dan, tergantung bagaimana kamu melihat hari ini.
aku dihadapkan pada sebuah keputusan sulit; kedua pilihan dari keputusan ini akan tetap sulit, tetap akan berat... dan sepertinya tetap akan ada pihak yang dirugikan. saya bingung.
saking bingungnya kepalaku sakit....
tapi... bolehlah saya pulang sebentar lagi, untuk melupakan sejenak? untuk melupakan menit tersebut? karena pekerjaanku bukan hidupku.

Bigger Than My Body

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

[as sung by John Mayer... I may be big already, but I can be bigger inside]

Life In The Pathways Leading To... Somewhere

The interesting parts of the past week, and yes, it has been a week since my last post, are... well...
Oh dear, I do not know what to write. I must be happy, then. But happy about what?
I still am not sure...

gedung metropole!

aku jatuh cinta pada gedung metropole. terletak di bilangain cikini, jakarta; gedung ini sempat naik lagi kepopulerannya dengan dieksposnya gedung ini dalam film 'janji joni'. di sini memang ada bioskop bernama Megaria 21 (yang tentunya bagian dari grup 21 cineplex), ada warung soto, ada tukang cukur, ada kafe yang jadi satu sama wartel, dan sebuah arena bilyar di atas. di gedung sebelah ada hero, bahkan ada kantor notaris di belakang.
gedungnya sendiri merupakan peninggalan arsitektur Belanda era art deco, sehingga kalaupun orang tidak tahu namanya, orang jakarta pasti tahu gedung ini yang mana. sayangnya gedung ini kurang terawat, sehingga tidak menyiarkan cahaya yang mungkin dia sandang sebelumnya.
aku sekarang jadi ingin mencari tempat tinggal dekat daerah sini... ada yang punya usulan?

Berita Hari Ini

hari tidak pernah enak apabila dimulai dengan sesuatu perasaan yang tidak enak... dan hari ini, badanku tak enak, otakku seperti tak nyaman sadar dan bangun di hari ini. sepertinya segala sesuatu akan menjadi jelek hari ini.
akhirnya, sore hari ini aku berseteru dengan dua orang yang bisa dibilang terdekat dengan aku, tapi masih seputar pekerjaan. cukup pelik dan rumit.... untungnya solusinya cukup memuaskan hingga tidak memerlukan kondisi yang ekstrim. pas membaca blog ini lagi, lagi-lagi aku berpikir tentang sebuah hari... mungkin bahkan, sekumpulan jam, yang entah kenapa masih terasa indah. hanya dengan tawa hari itu, dan tawa hari ini setelah berbicara dengan beberapa teman, resahku sedikit menghilang.
ada seseorang yang ingin kutemui saat ini.

Tanpa Komentar Banyak

hari ini entah kenapa, cepat berlalu tanpa komentar banyak, tanpa merasakan banyak, tanpa mengalami banyak. aku hanya tahu, andai aku bisa ulang apa yang kualami kemarin... ya mungkin tidak persis sama,... nggak tahu juga... yang jelas... aku sudah lama tidak merasa seperti itu. aku ingin tahu apakah itu nyata, atau sesemu sebagian kehidupan yang biasanya bergulir di kota ini.
mungkin aku perlu pulang sekarang.

Gelas

kata orang, orang yang pesimis melihat gelas yang setengah terisi sebagai setengah kosong, dan orang yang optimis melihatnya sebagai setengah penuh. bagaimana kalau kita berhenti melihat isi gelasnya, dan melihat gelasnya sendiri? kajilah apa gelas itu, apa artinya buat kita. dan kaji terus.

Menghargai Apa Yang Kita Punyai

seharusnya judulnya: menghargai yang kita punyai, di luar dan di dalam.
entah kenapa, pacu dan kecepatan kehidupan di zaman modern ini membuat orang memfokuskan diri pada apa yang belum mereka miliki dan apa yang belum mereka capai, sehingga seringkali orang lupa untuk melihat ke belakang dan benar-benar menghargai apa yang sudah dicapai atau didapat. mungkin para pembaca sudah cukup tahu, bahwa apa yang biasanya kita dapat tidak akan seratus persen seperti yang kita mau, namun biasanya membawa serombongan berkah yang mungkin tak terasa pada awalnya (dan, mungkin, beserta dengan masalah-masalah yang terkait). aku tidak ingin sok berpetuah dan mengatakan bahwa kita harus mensyukuri apa yang kita punyai karena banyak orang tidak memiliki yang kita punyai, tapi aku ingin melihatnya dari sisi lain: berilah sedikit penghargaan pada diri kita. apa yang kita pegang dalam lingkungan duniawi kita, apa yang kita bawa dalam otak, dan apa yang kita bawa dalam hati adalah pencapaian, adalah sebuah berkah yang perlu disyukuri dan diendapkan benar-benar. kebaikan dan kekhilafan kita termasuk pencapaian, dan termasuk yang membentuk diri kita; di sinilah maksudnya orang-orang bijak saat mereka mengatakan "jangan lupa diri". jangan terlalu sibuk mengejar yang belum menjadi bagian dari kita sehingga kita lupa apa yang sebenarnya membentuk diri kita.
apapun yang kita punyai mungkin bukan yang apa yang kita inginkan, tapi berkahnya tetap akan kita rasakan, sejauh kita ingat pada diri kita masing-masing.
apa yang aku rasakan, walaupun tidak seperti yang kuinginkan, tetap akan kuhargai.
apa yang kumiliki, walaupun tidak seperti yang kuinginkan, tetap akan kuhargai.
senyumlah pada diri anda yang di dalam, sebelum senyum ke orang lain - pelajaran terberat yang pernah aku tempuhi.

Masih Lho

aku masih bingung... belum selesai juga ternyata.
entah bagaimana supaya cepat selesai, dan berhenti uring-uringan. aduh... bingung.
nanti saja pulangnya... sementara bangku ini masih mau menerimaku.

My Life In One Post

I read this post on a friend's blog; although she didn't tag me to do this, I felt intrigued to do it anyway, while I'm in the contemplating mood.

20 YEARS AGO
Sydney, Australia; in a small terrace house on Hordern Street, Newtown (a suburb of Sydney). Already top of the class with spelling and language, and having my first crush, Rosemary Forsyth, red hair, freckles and all. A 6^th grader who lives on my street keeps hitting my head when I pass, and only when my brother chases him off he stops. I bring snacks to school provided by Mom; who works in a textile factory to make ends meet, and Dad has his PhD to finish (he had only just started). Life is… simpler.

10 YEARS AGO
10^th grade, or 1^st year of high school, in Bogor, Indonesia. I went to a Catholic school reknowned for it’s quality of education; but also the amount of rich kids in it. I moved on there from the junior high in the same complex, for the reason that most of my friends continued there, and the high school also had a good extracullicular program. Lots of events, band-related stuff, and so on. I played in a band, played guitar and also sung a bit. I was still getting over my junior high school crush, Lusi; I eventually named my acoustic guitar after her. I bought my first guitar effect, the Metal Zone, with my own savings. My brother, who had not lived with our family since 1991, had already moved to Yokohama, Japan.

5 YEARS AGO
Bandung, Indonesia. It’s my 3^rd year at a top technology institute there, studying product design; but I was more busy with the preparations for Pasar Seni ITB 2000, a one-day event selling… well, art (in the loosest definition possible). I helped out PR and publicity for the event, and also headed up the official souvenir shop for the event. It meant sourcing for souvenirs, and managing the store on the event. Man… it was a riot. We made more in one day than I can make in a year now. And our store was one of the smaller stores in the event… I finished building my acoustic bass guitar, which in time will become the best decision I ever made. I had been with my 2^nd girlfriend for over a year, and things were good. Mom and Dad were healthy, and my brother was having the time of his life in Tokyo, Japan.

3 YEARS AGO
Bandung, Indonesia. I had just graduated, and after 2 months of panic job searching, I found a job as a webmaster with mediocre pay (it was a good salary to start on, anyway). I had to build and manage their website from scratch; which involved taking a lot of pictures of shoes. The campus offered me a position to teach and work at the research lab; I eventually declined, because I wanted to explore my other capabilities first. Too soon to settle in. My girlfriend was spending a lot of time in Jakarta, so I spent a lot of time with my best friend Sacha, whose boyfriend was already working in Jakarta. Life was good.

LAST YEAR
Jakarta, Indonesia. I have been working in Jakarta for a year, and with the same internet media company. I witnessed its triumph and eventual death, having to close it down. I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years, and I had to look for a new job (not to mention a new girlfriend). I got a new job in a music company, and began building my life back together again, with new perspectives, piece by piece. Hard questions were asked, and hard answers with more questions came. Life was...difficult.

THIS YEAR
Jakarta, Indonesia. The job becomes exceedingly more difficult, due to corporate politicking and sidestepping; I make corporate enemies here and there. I am finally a permanent employee here, the pay is adequate, and I still manage to do some other stuff on the side. Career-wise, this year is pretty good; too bad I can’t say the same for my personal matters. After a few painful mistakes here and there, I met the person who could possibly be the love of my life; but things don’t work out… I’ll try to move on. My brother is still living in Tokyo, but is investing to buy a house in Jakarta, which the family can use. I want to buy a car but I still do not have enough money. Life is exceedingly difficult.

NEXT YEAR
Jakarta, Indonesia. Hopefully the growing pains of my division and the industry in general have subsided, and revenues grow; more business deals come. I finally have an assistant to help me, and the corporate enemies become friends again. I have resolved most of my personal issues, well, at least, learned how to work on them, and have finally found someone to help me through it. I still don’t have a car, but getting around Jakarta is easier with the new transport systems built. I have moved into a house I have rented together with a couple of other friends. Life is finally better.

10 YEARS FROM NOW
Jakarta, Indonesia. I am teaching my son how to use some computer software, but he is more interested in playing with Virtual Lego. My wife is spooning some sort of food to my baby daughter; my Dad is out in the garden as usual, and Mom is reading a book I just bought for her. We are visiting for the weekend their house in Cinere, as we already have our own place in BSD. I finally have a car, one of those big family cars; the other car, an antique Toyota, stays at home and only is used occasionally when I’m not up to my ears trying to fix or modify it. My wife takes a call from the office, grunts, and turns off her videophone. I have instructed my employees to never bother me on weekends, so they don’t. The content business is a holiday-less industry, but I let the young and more capable take care of the day-to-day operations. Both me and my wife have to work to make ends meet, but we manage.

so... I'm not tagging anyone in particular... but dear readers, who dares do this too? Cheers.

HP Seperti Baru

hari ini aku seperti mendapat hp baru, dan mendapat energi baru yang biasanya menyertai mendapatkan barang baru, untuk melakukan segala rupa macam kegiatan yang mungkin dilakukan dengan barang itu. aku jadi cari-cari program lagi (dan merasa menyesal tidak mencari-cari program-program untuk p900 sebelumnya), dan aku menikmati saat-saat mengubah-ubah pengaturan-pengatura n yang ada di hp ini. hanya dengan ongkos lima puluh ribu rupiah, aku seperti mendapat penyegaran baru (yang biasanya buat orang harus dilakukan dengan liburan ke bali atau membeli makanan seperahu).
aku orang baru yang mempunyai hp baru.
mungkin diriku tidak baru, tapi aku memiliki sudut pandang baru, seperti hpku yang memiliki perangkat lunak baru. mari kita coba melakukan sesuatu seperti ini di hal-hal sekitarku yang lain... mungkin akan lebih bermakna lagi.

Well, I Have Been Kinda Busy

Lately I have not been updating this blog as frequently as I have... because I've been very busy, and I'd have to admit that my spare time energies have been spent elsewhere on the Net... if you know what I mean.
Also... because of the inability to access the internet at home, I have not been able to make the much more, erm, generous posts I used to make, as my time at the office is usually limited, either in-between meetings in front of the computer, when I have to do actual work, and afterhours which are usually managed as quickly as possible. The faster, the sooner I can go home.
Well, anyway...
All I can say, that I am learning slowly... learning to take it all better... and be patient! Happiness comes hand in hand with pain... so, let's try to live with it, and try to be grateful of the happiness, and learn from the pain. Learning to say "I want...", "No", and "I can" with a smile are the hardest things I have to learn to do (especially the smile).
Let's start practice, then...
One note, to self: be happy.